


Magical Match Dot Com

by Sharkdiver1980



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dick Pics, F/M, I am not responsible if you pee your pants - Freeform, Online Dating, This is supposed to be funny, crack!, making this shit up as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:18:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7781293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharkdiver1980/pseuds/Sharkdiver1980
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione has never been lucky in love, and when Wizarding Britain decides to follow the muggle's example and create a magical online dating service, Harry Convinces her to give it a try. What could go wrong, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](magical%20match)  
> 

**~~{0}~~**

  
“Harry, for the tenth time, I don’t feel comfortable with this.” Hermione said flatly as Harry pulled the laptop that her parents had given her for her birthday onto his lap.

“Hermione, you’re never going to meet anyone with that attitude.” Harry said laughing and pulling up the new website Magicalmatch.com.

It had been a hit not long after wizards began to incorporate muggle technology into their daily lives such as computers, internet and cell phones. Granted, they work on a magical network rather than electricity and radio towers, but that was beside the point. Wizards and witches of their generation were becoming more progressive and leaning away from traditional arranged marriages, because they wanted to make that choice for themselves. During Hermione’s fourth year, when students from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons had come to Hogwart’s for the Triwizard tournament, many students began to mingle and fall in love quite without their parent’s consent. They began to defy their parents wishes and sneak off to perform secret binding ceremonies, so that they could not be married off to the highest bidder. As news of this form of defiance spread, many chose not to force the arranged marriages for fear of losing their children altogether. Slowly but surely, muggle technology was incorporated into everyday life, and with that, the advent of the Wizarding World Web. Websites for ordering potions ingredients to Quidditch supplies sprung up, even an online auction site where one could bid on cursed artifacts called Evilbay existed. When MagicalMatch.com launched, it was an instant success. It was with this hope that Harry decided to create a profile for Hermione.

Hermione had never been good with relationships. The closest she had ever come to having a real boyfriend was during her fourth year when she met Viktor Krum. Viktor was popular, and handsome, and Hermione had liked him, despite that they really didn’t have all that much in common, but, the long distance between them made for an impossible situation. Harry had always hoped that She and Viktor would cross paths again in the future, but that hope was dashed when he read about Viktor’s engagement in the Daily Prophet. Ron and Hermione also never worked out. They had crushes on each other over the years, but ultimately, the timing was never right, and Ron was now in a pretty serious relationship with Lavender. The other problem was that Hermione was altogether too picky in Harry’s opinion. It seemed that every guy who showed an interest in her, she found some flaw in, no matter how minute as a reason for why she couldn’t possibly date them. With Cormac, it had been his arrogance, which admittedly, Harry did find off-putting, but with Terry Boot, Hermione said he was too dull. Olliver Wood was too into Quidditch, and the list went on and on.

“Look, Hermione, We both know that you have high standards…which is fine, but, it makes it pretty hard for you to ever give anyone a chance.” Harry said holding his hands up to calm her down.

“Harry, there is nothing wrong with not settling, thank you very much.” She said crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’m not saying you should settle…I just think, that if you give this a try, and lay out what you _are_ looking for, maybe you’ll be surprised. I mean, we won’t be in school much longer, and the odds of meeting someone will decline once you are in the working world…you know?”

Hermione sighed, “If I do this, will you leave me alone?” she asked glaring at him

“Yes, I promise. Now, what sort of screen name do you want?” he asked rubbing his hands together gleefully, doing the typing for her while she sat in the armchair next to him.

“I don’t know…maybe something clever like _Athena1979_ ” Hermione said raising her eyebrow at Harry. She was pretty sure Harry had no idea who Athena even was.

“Athena was the Greek Goddess of Wisdom. And the 1979 is the year I was born. Easier to remember that way.” She explained.

“Right. That works. Now, what are your hobbies? I’m thinking you should maybe not mention S.P.E.W.” Harry said laughing, and she slapped him playfully on the arm.

“Lets see…Reading of course, Research, Arithmancy, and eating chocolate.” Hermione said.

“Hmm…maybe you shouldn’t mention chocolate under hobbies…it might give someone the impression that you are fat.”

Hermione gaped at Harry, “What an awful thing to say, Harry! That is so shallow!” she scolded him

Harry shrugged, “I’m a guy Hermione, I’m just telling you how it sounds from a guy’s perspective. Maybe mention the chocolate under ‘likes’ rather than hobbies.”

“Fine. I guess you can also put for likes, the smell of parchment, freshly mown grass, and spearmint toothpaste.” Hermione said giving Harry a look when he raised his eyebrow at her, but then typed it in anyway.

“Dislikes?” Harry asked

“Let’s see, Divination, flying, House Elf enslavement, and the Dark Arts.” Hermione answered.

“Alright, now, here’s the hard part; what are you looking for in a partner?” Harry asked

“Well, I suppose someone who is confident and will stand up for what they believe in. There is nothing sexier than a man who stands his ground. Intelligence is also very important, I want to be able to have stimulating discussions with the person who I would be spending a lot of my time with. What else…someone who likes to travel; I’ve always wanted to see the world, so it would be nice to find someone who shares that passion. Someone who appreciates art and history over sports. Looks are not important to me.”

“Well it’s no wonder you never really worked with Viktor or Ron…you know both of them are the polar opposite of what you just described.” Harry said chuckling.

“Yeah, I know…although I will admit, kissing Viktor was rather nice. I think though that was about the only thing we had in common.” She sighed.

“Well it looks like that is about everything…do you want to put your picture up on your profile?” Harry asked.

“No. Too many people know who I am, and I think they would be contacting me because of that; If I’m going to do this, I want to be just a random witch. If someone likes what they see in my profile, and they have no idea who I am, I’ll feel more comfortable that way.” She explained.

Harry nodded, it made sense. Otherwise, she would never know if someone was only talking to her for the attention.

“Okay, I think we’re done then. Just create a pass word, and then hit submit.” He told her as he passed the laptop over to her to review before she completed the final step.

“You do know that you have to let me read some of the outrageous replies you get, right? That’s pure entertainment!” Harry said laughing.

“If I get any replies, Harry, I’ll let you know.” She said in a resigned tone.

“You will, Hermione, just wait and see.” Harry said giving her a small smile.

 

~~{0}~~

 

The next morning, Hermione sat up in her bed and her eyes fell on the laptop. She wasn’t a desperate person by any stretch, but her curiosity was eating away at her. Had she gotten any messages? She sighed and grabbed the laptop and pulled it into her lap as she opened it and logged onto MagicaMatch.com. She had five messages! Before she let herself get too excited, she convinced herself that they were probably all losers.

She clicked on the first message, it was from a user named _NerdyWizard17_ , and his picture popped up beside his user name and Hermione cringed. He was chubby, with a face like a pepperoni pizza, and glasses. Hermione scolded herself for her reaction, reminding herself that looks weren’t important, so she began to read his message.

_Hey sexy,_

_I like books too, and wizard chess. Maybe I can show you my comic book collection sometime?_

_~NerdyWizard17_

 

Hermione shuddered. Nope, definitely not. First, he called her sexy without even knowing what she looked like, because clearly, he was desperate. With a face like that, she wasn’t surprised. And no one could ever convince her that comic books counted as _books._

One down, four more to go.

The next message was from someone named _MagicWand4U._ There was no picture attached to his profile, although she cringed a bit at his screen name. She clicked on the message and squealed when she saw a photo of an erect penis staring her in the face. She blushed profusely, and closed out the picture, terrified someone would walk in and see it and think she was looking at porn, which she absolutely _did not_ do.

Three more messages were sitting there, and Hermione’s spirits had begun to dwindle. She clicked on the screen name _Luvrboy69_ to look at his profile before she clicked on the message

_Likes: making girls scream my name, designer clothes_

He already sounded like an arrogant pretentious pig. There was no picture in his profile, and she cringed and clicked on his message, remembering that Harry wanted to read all the ridiculous messages that she wouldn’t even consider.

_Greetings Goddess,_

_A lover of books you say? Ever been fucked in a library?_

_Luvrboy69_

Wow, he was direct. If he was going straight for the sex, at least he had game. There was a picture attached, so she clicked it, praying it wasn’t another dick pic. She wasn’t the least bit surprised when the picture opened and she was staring at a photo of Draco Malfoy, wearing only his trousers and an unbuttoned shirt. She couldn’t wait to show that one to Harry, he’d have a field day.

Moving on, with only two more messages to go, she looked at the next one. _EnsnaringtheSenses65_ was the screen name, which she found slightly intriguing. Once again, there was no photo on his profile, but she clicked on it anyway to see what he was like before she clicked the message.

_Hobbies: Brewing, research, Reading, and flying._

With the exception of flying, he was off to a pretty good start.

_Likes: Black coffee, solitude, and a quiet place to work._

Apparently he was a bit of a loner? Not a total deal breaker…

_Dislikes: people who think they know everything, sweets._

Hermione scowled when she read that line, feeling as if she most likely fell into that category herself. They probably wouldn’t hit it off then. She sighed, and clicked his message, still interested in what he had to say

_Dear Athena1979,_

_From your profile, I can gather that you, like myself hold knowledge in high regard. Can you tell me the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?_

_~EnsnaringtheSenses65_

What was this a test? Of course she knew the answer. She clicked reply, and began writing what became a long paragraph on the differences between the two, and listing all of her sources. She wasn’t sure why, but his message had irked her…almost as if she could hear the condescension in his voice.

Feeling like this all had been an utter waste of time, she clicked on the last message. It was from someone named _Ares731_. Interesting screen name choice, she mused. She clicked on his profile, which, like hers, did not contain a photo.

_Hobbies: Research, collecting magical artifacts, traveling_

So far so good…

_Likes: the scent of candlewax on parchment, Dark chocolate, and Magic_

That was interesting, a wizard who actually remembered to appreciate their magic? It’s not often you see that. So many wizards and witches take their magic for granted.

_Dislikes: Failure, disrespect, and false praise._

Hermione was intrigued. She could relate to all of these things, in fact, her Boggart was still Professor McGonagall coming to tell her that she had failed all of her classes. And disrespect? She had been called a mudblood more times than she cared to count, and she certainly hated that. Also, False praise was definitely something she hated. Just because she was part of the Golden Trio, she felt like people wanted to give her special privileges, or kiss her behind for that reason alone rather than anything that she earned on her own merit. It was for this reason, that she had submitted many of her manuscripts on her charms research under a pseudonym for publishing.

_What are you looking for in a partner: Someone who has an opinion and is not afraid to say it, Someone who can appreciate the sacrifices that must be made to improve society, Someone who is intelligent and can debate magical theory, someone who isn’t afraid to push the envelope._

Hermione felt a shiver run down her spine. So far, this person sounded exactly like the kind of person she was looking for. She felt a nervous fluttering in her stomach when she clicked on his message:

_Athena1979,_

_It seems that we have much in common, with one notable exception. I must admit, I almost didn’t send you this message, but I felt compelled to ask you; what, specifically, are your thoughts on the Dark Arts?_

_~Ares731_

Hermione gaped at the message. Of all the things he could have asked her as an opening, he asks her about the Dark Arts? Clearly he must’ve noticed in her profile that she had listed the Dark Arts under her dislikes, and apparently now, he wanted to know why.

She hastily clicked reply, and began typing her response.

_Ares731,_

_I can only assume that you are asking about my dislike for the dark arts, and wish to know why that is. Over the years, I have had quite a bit of experience with the dark arts, and none of it has been good. It should come as no surprise then to say, that due to these experiences that I have come to view it as an evil practice. If you can provide evidence to the contrary, I am all ears._

_~Athena1979_

She closed the laptop, and headed down stairs for breakfast. She was staying at Grimmauld place over the summer with Harry, since she had decided her parents would be safer living in Australia until the war was over. As she plopped herself in one of the chairs at the table, Harry came down stairs still wearing his sleep pants and a tee shirt as he pulled out the seat across from her.

“You were right, I already got messages.” She said trying to bite back a smirk thinking of the one from Malfoy, and also the dick pic.

“Yeah? Any promising ones?” he asked pouring himself a bowl of cereal.

“Well, it’s a bit soon to say, but of the five message I received, I responded to two. One of which I think will probably end in an argument, the other the jury is still out on.” She told him.

“What about the other three?” he asked

“Oh, you can read those for yourself.” She sniggered.

She passed the laptop towards him, and opened the first message from NerdyWizard17.

Harry chuckled as he looked at the kid’s picture and just muttered, ‘poor bloke’ under his breath. Hermione lost it though when she saw Harry take a large bite of cereal and then his eyes widened as he suddenly choked. That would be the dick pic.

“What the hell is wrong with some people? Seriously, why would they think a girl would like that?” Harry said rubbing his eyes trying to erase the image from his brain.

“Click on the next one…” Hermione said with a smirk.

“Bloody Hell.” Harry said laughing and looking at Hermione.

“Yeah, can you imagine the look on Malfoy’s face if he found out that he had just propositioned _me_? I’m pretty sure he’d cry.” Hermione snorted and grabbed the box of cereal from in front of Harry and poured herself a bowl.

“What about the other two?” Harry asked

“Well, the one from EnsnaringtheSenses65 came off condescending, which rubbed me the wrong way. I replied anyway, but I am sure that will end in an argument.” She explained.

“And what about Ares731?”

“I’m not sure about him yet; he asked me about the Dark Arts, which of course, I immediately balked at, but since I had listed it in my dislikes, it seemed as if he just wanted to know why I felt that way. I mean, it seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? But, I replied anyway, because I want to see what he has to say. Knowing my luck, he’s probably a death eater.” She said and thumped her forehead on the table.

 

~~{0}~~

 

Hermione finally headed back up to her room after a long day of assisting Harry with cleaning up Grimmauld place. It seemed that no matter how hard they worked, there was still so much dust to clean in that place. At least their bedrooms and the kitchen were immaculate. She flopped down on her bed and eyed the laptop scowling. She pulled it onto her lap, and logged in. There were four messages waiting for her. Two messages were new, and the other two were responses from _EnsnaringtheSenses65_ and _Ares731._

She clicked on one of the new ones first, from _ChudleyCanon1977_ , and almost tossed the laptop across the room. Why did these perverts keep feeling the need to send her pictures of their junk? To make matters worse, he was a ginger, and she was pretty certain he was one of the Weasley’s. Definitely not Ron, although she had never seen him naked, she knew that wasn’t his hand. If it was Percy, she was pretty sure she could never look him in the eye again.

The next one, was no surprise as at all, considering his picture was attached to his profile, and his screen name was _ViktorKrumSeeker._ She blushed, opening the message wondering what he would have written to her, since her profile was anonymous after all. His message made her laugh:

_Is this Hermoninny?_

_~VK_

She replied back, telling him it was indeed her, although she asked him to keep it to himself, since she didn’t want anyone to know she was on there, and asked him how Quidditch was going.

Now onto the replies from _EnsnaringtheSenses65_ and _Ares731._

_Athena1979,_

_I should have known that you would be a know-it-all from your entirely too wordy response. In fact, I am pretty certain I know who you are…in which case, I shall cease and desist all communication with you._

_Have a pleasant night, Miss Granger._

_~EnsnaringtheSenses65_

Her mouth hung open as she read the reply; was she that obvious? She hoped if it was, it would only be to those who knew her personally like Viktor had, and whoever this person was. As she re-read his response, and looked at his screen name and previous message, her eyes widened and she burst out laughing. It had to be Professor Snape. Even his profile made perfect sense now that she looked at it. Part of her was relieved that she had figured that out, since she had initially found him to be intriguing…but then that thought was equally disturbing. Clearly, they had that in common.

Moving on to the message from _Ares731_ , she took a deep breath and opened it.

_Athena1979,_

_How open minded of you. While I can understand your need to label things that may seem bad to you or that you do not understand as evil, I can assure you, not everything that is considered to be ‘a dark art’ fits into that category. Where you aware that all magical practices have at some point been categorized by the ministry on whether it is considered ‘dark’? For example; using an undetectable extension charm is, by the Ministry’s definition; a dark use of magic. The reason for this, has to do with intent. Basically, if something could be used for evil, it is deemed dark, however, many practical spells and rituals that fall into this category can also be used for benign reasons; would you not consider them at all simply because it is labeled as dark?_

_Sincerely looking forward to your response,_

_~Ares731_

Hermione immediately hit reply and began typing out her response. His argument was sound, and she could tell he was very well read and intelligent. She couldn’t help but wonder more about what he was like.

  
_Ares731,_

_You put up a compelling argument, especially with your reference to an undetectable extension charm, since I have made use of this myself, and find that it does indeed come in handy. I will concede your point that not all magical practices that are labeled ‘dark’ are evil, however you cannot argue that there are some that serve no other purpose._

_I honestly wanted to tell you how refreshing it was to get your message, considering most of the other messages I’ve received on here have been dick pics. Thank you for not traumatizing me._

_~Athena1979_

She was about to close the laptop when the chat feature dinged and she had a message. It was from Viktor:

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** Hermoninny! I knew it was you.

**Athena1979:** Hi Viktor, you figured me out J

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** Are you looking for boyfriend?

Hermione blushed. She still found Viktor attractive, even almost three years later, but he was engaged now, and it hadn’t worked out between them.

**Athena1979:** This was Harry’s idea. He’s tired of me being single, I guess. Congratulations on your engagement, by the way.

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** You wouldn’t have been single if you had come to Bulgaria with me.

**Athena1979:** Viktor, you know I couldn’t have gone. For what it’s worth, I really liked you.

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** And now?

**Athena1979:** Now you are getting married.

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** Yes, but not to you. L

Apparently Viktor was still carrying the torch. She was flattered, truly she was, and if they weren’t in the middle of a war, she would have gone with him when he had asked.

**Athena1979:** I’m sorry Viktor. It never would have worked with your crazy Quidditch schedule.

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** Well, if you change your mind…

**Athena1979:** Viktor!

**ViktorKrumSeeker:** Haha, it was worth a shot, Hermoninny.

**Athena1979:** I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just insinuate that you wanted to have an affair with me behind your fiance’s back.

**ViktorKrumSeeker** : You can pretend if it makes you feel better, but I have imagined myself between your thighs many, many times.

Her face was turning beet red now…She had enjoyed kissing Viktor, and he had been respectful of her back then knowing she was young, and hadn’t pushed her for anything more, but now he had no problem letting her know he had wanted more, or at least now he did.

**Athena1979:** I’m flattered, truly, and if circumstances were different, I would probably take you up on that, but, you are engaged, and so I must decline. Good luck Viktor.

She signed off and closed the laptop before he had a chance to respond. Had he really just propositioned her? She got up and went downstairs to get a glass of water, needing to somehow get the image of Viktor fucking her over the kitchen table out of her mind.

Finally, after tossing and turning, she finally drifted off to sleep.

 

~~{0}~~

 

The next morning she woke up to another message from _Ares731_ :

_Athena1979_

_You are certainly correct that some curses and rituals serve no other purpose than that of causing pain, death, or other such unsavory things, however, I find that in some cases, even these have their place. Do we not as a society allow capital punishment? I believe the Dementor’s kiss serves no other purpose than to provide death as the killing curse does, however, the Dementor’s kiss has been absolved by society on the grounds of necessity. Both have their purpose, yet one is acceptable in its use, where the other is not…why?_

_I must confess, the thought of sending you a dick pic has never crossed my mind. Don’t tempt me ;)_

_~Ares731_

Hermione chuckled at his response to the dick pic comment. Even in such a small way, he was starting to flirt with her now, and she had to admit, that she liked it. There was something sexy and alluring to her when a man who possessed such a level of intelligence flirted with her.

She hit reply and typed out her response:

  
_Ares731,_

_Oh the temptation! I honestly can’t conceive of going through another day without seeing a photo of your massive cock. That was sarcasm by the way ;)_

_As far as whether or not one method of killing should be socially acceptable over another, I would think it would depend on how humane it is. Personally, I think the killing curse would be a more humane way to die than having your soul sucked out by a Dementor…call me old fashioned. So where have you traveled? I haven’t yet had much of an opportunity, but I hope that will change one day soon._

_~Athena1979_

 

Hermione smirked as she closed the laptop, and then hopped in the shower to get ready for the day. She and Harry were taking a day off with cleaning, and she thankfully had a quiet day if reading ahead. She had read through half of a novel by lunchtime, and so she decided to make herself a sandwich and see if Ares had replied yet. She opened the laptop and sure enough there was a message waiting in her inbox from him and also one from Viktor. _Oh God_.

She opened Viktor’s message first:

_Hermoninny,_

_I hope you are not angry with me for what I said. You must know that it was not my decision to marry, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about a future with you. I’ll be in Britain for match against Chudley Cannons next week, I would very much like to see you._

_~V_

Just as she finished reading it, Harry walked into the kitchen and took half of her sandwich off of her plate.

“Oi! Make your own!” she said laughing at him as he took a large bite.

“So any messages today?” he asked curiously trying to get a look at her inbox.

“A few. It turns out that EnsnaringtheSenses65 was in fact Professor Snape. He knew right away it was me and turned tail and ran.” She said chuckling.

“And the other bloke? Ares something or other?” Harry asked

“We’ve been writing back and forth. He’s very interesting.” She said letting out a sigh.

“That’s not what’s on your mind though, is it?” Harry asked being able to tell when Hermione was having a moral dilemma.

“Let’s say, _hypothetically_ , that someone from your past who still has feelings for you, and wants to see you, even though they are now engaged, and you kind of want to see them too, but you know you shouldn’t…” Hermione said

“It’s Krum, isn’t it.” Harry asked smirking at her.

“Yeah. He wants to see me when he’s in town next week, but I know it would be a really bad idea.” She said massaging her temples.

“Well, you were friends, right? Why would it be so bad to catch up?” He asked innocently.

“Erm…friends…yeah. The problem is, this friend kind of wants to bend me over a desk and have his way with me, and I kind of want to let him.” Hermione admitted biting her lip nervously.

Harry’s mouth dropped open at her admission.

“Hermione, I really didn’t need to know that.” Harry said laughing.

“Well, I can’t do it, obviously, he’s engaged. I’d feel too guilty. But the temptation is still there.” Hermione said putting her head in her hands.

“Hermione, have you ever…?” Harry asked sheepishly making motions with his hands that Hermione was trying hard not to laugh at.

“No, the opportunity never really presented itself; I was too young when I last saw Viktor, and nothing ever happened between Ron and I…” Hermione admitted.

“Do you love Viktor?” he asked, surprising her with his question.

“Well, I’m over it now, If that’s what you’re getting at, but at one time, I thought I did.” She answered honestly.

“Well, then I think you have your answer. If you’re not still in love with him, I think you will regret it.” Harry told her.

She sighed, he was right, of course. Just because she was feeling a need to rid herself of her virginity, did not mean she should compromise her morals and give it away to just anyone. Not that Viktor was just anyone, but she knew that she should wait until she was with someone she cared about and could have some sort of a future with.

“Thanks, Harry.” She said smiling at him as he stood up and made his way over to the door

“Anytime. I’m going to Floo to the Burrow for a bit to play some Quidditch, do you want to come?” he asked

“No, I think I’ll stay here and relax a bit more, but tell everyone I said hello.” She told him

Harry nodded and headed over to the Floo and a moment later he was gone. She looked back down at her laptop, and clicked on the message from _Ares731_ :

_Athena1979,_

_You know if you wanted to see my massive cock (and it is massive) you only need ask…_

_As for travelling, I have travelled quite extensively, all over Europe, the Mediterranean, Cairo, and to South America. Is there any place in particular that you wish to visit?_

_~Ares731_

Just as she was about to reply, she heard the tell-tale ding from an incoming message. She hoped to God it wasn’t Viktor.

**Ares731** : I hope you’re not too busy looking at Dick pics.

**Athena1979:** Haha, no…I was just reading your message actually.

**Ares731:** And?

**Athena1979** : Were you hoping I’d ask to see your massive cock? ;)

**Ares731:** Minx

**Athena1979** : You started it ;)

**Ares731:** Usually, I finish it too.

**Athena1979:** Is that a threat?

**Ares731** : No, it’s a promise…

**Athena1979** : Well, I’ll look forward to you finishing me off then…

**Ares731** : So aside from being impressionably young, tell me more about yourself.

**Athena1979:** What makes you think I am young?

**Ares731:** I am willing to bet that the 1979 in your screen name is the year that you were born.

**Athena1979** : Ah. Yes. Is it that obvious?

**Ares731** : lucky guess.

**Athena1979:** Well, when you say I’m young, I would take that to mean that I am younger than yourself…by how many years are you robbing the cradle?

**Ares731:** Lets just say, I am old enough to be your father…

Hermione was intrigued by this…she had always been drawn to older men, because honestly, the boys her age were far too immature for her liking. She would never have admitted it to Harry, but she had always had a bit of a crush on Sirius.

**Athena1979** : That’s not actually a turn off for me ;)

**Ares731** : Really?

**Athena1979:** Really. There is nothing sexier than a man with confidence, intelligence, and experience.

**Ares731** : Come to daddy…

**Athena1979:** :o

**Ares731:** Have you ever been with a man before?

**Athena1979:** Not fully, no.

**Ares731:** So you are a virgin then?

**Athena1979** : Yes, not that I want it printed on the front Page of the Daily Prophet…

**Ares731:** Oh the things I could show you…

**Athena1979** : That doesn’t turn you off?

**Ares731:** Quite the opposite

**Athena1979** : So…what sorts of things?

**Ares731** : Wouldn’t you like to know…

**Athena1979** : I would actually…

**Ares731:** Well, maybe I’ll tell you…would be willing to try something?

**Athena1979** : That depends on what it is…

 

**Ares731** : I’ve developed a spell that will allow me to enter your mind through a dream. Whatever I do in the dream, you will actually feel. Are you brave enough to try it?

**Athena1979** : Hmm…it sounds dark, and I don’t know you…

**Ares731** : True, and I suppose it could be considered dark, but if you recall our earlier discussion, things that are dark aren’t necessarily always used that way. It can be used for pleasure just as easily as anything else.

**Athena1979** : How do I know that you won’t use it to hurt me?

**Ares731:** You don’t… ;)

Warning bells were going off in her mind, she knew how reckless and frankly stupid it would be to do this, but there was also this thrill that she got when she thought about doing something taboo.

**Athena1979** : What do I need to do?

**Area731** : nothing, except open your mind to me. I can direct my magic to you through our connection here. Before you go to sleep tonight, put a silencing charm on your room.

**Athena1979** : And why should I do that?

**Ares731** : Because I plan on making you scream…

**Athena1979:** That sounds promising. How do you plan to do that, may I ask?

**Ares731:** I have my ways. You’ll just have to wait until tonight.

**Athena1979:** And what do you get out of this?

**Ares731:** The pleasure of hearing you beg.

**Athena1979** : And does this spell work both ways?

**Ares731:** It could, however, I need to be convinced of how badly you wish to touch me first.

Hermione blushed. She had no idea what Ares looked like, other than that he was apparently old enough to be her father, and that he was rather talented with magic, if not a little bold. She knew she should absolutely not allow him access to her dreams, but after her dilemma with Viktor, she really needed to take the edge off. This, in a twisted way would be safer, since it would all be happening in her mind, even if it felt real. She would not actually be losing her virginity to some stranger she met online, and honestly, if he made her forget about Viktor’s offer, all the better.

**Athena1979:** Alright…tell me what to do.

**Ares731:** You will need to close your eyes, and clear your mind, thinking only about allowing me access to your mind. You’ll feel a tingle when the spell has completed. Tonight when you go to sleep, you’ll feel me.

**Athena1979:** Okay – I’m ready.

Hermione closed her eyes and cleared her mind, only thinking about Ares and how she wanted him to come to her. A few moments later, she felt a light tingling sensation in her head, and it was actually quite pleasant; almost the way it feels when you’ve had a few drinks, without the fuzziness.

She opened her eyes and saw his final comment on the screen, showing he had now logged off

**Ares731:** Until tonight…

It was done then, she had allowed him to access her dreams, and she hoped that she wouldn’t be regretting that decision later.

Before long, she was yawning, having realized that several more hours had passed while she had her nose in a book. Harry was still not back, and most likely wouldn’t return until the next day, so she padded up the stairs and took a long hot shower before climbing into bed in only a pair of white cotton knickers before placing a silencing spell on the room, just to be safe. She had a way of alerting Harry if something went wrong, but she didn’t want to use that unless sit truly was an emergency.

Her eyes drifted closed, and she could feel the soft mattress beneath her dip under someone else’s weight towards the foot of the bed. She tried to open her eyes, but found that she couldn’t. Her heart began to race then, until she felt a finger press against her lips and a sensual voice in her ear telling her to relax. The finger trailed down over her lips, down her neck, and between her breasts. She arched her back slightly wanting to encourage the stranger to touch her more fully.

“Ares” she whispered, and was rewarded with a deep chuckle

“Yes…”he answered and she felt his warm breath on her cheek as his lips ghosted over the shell of her ear causing her to inhale sharply.

She turned her face, her lips parted slightly wanting him to kiss her. She felt his lips trail down her neck and a warm hand begin to kneed her breast and tease her nipple.

She gasped at the contact and moaned softly, encouraging him to continue

“Mmmm…” she heard his groan near her ear, and she so badly want to reach out and touch him, but she found that no matter where she put her hands, she couldn’t feel him, so she left her hands at her sides.

She felt his long fingered hand caress her over the soft swell of her stomach and she had to bite her lip when she felt the finger trace her slit over her white cotton knickers, which she knew were already quite damp. She felt the hands gently grasp her knickers and slide them slowly over her hips and down her legs.

“You are so wet for me already and we’ve only just begun.”

“Please…” Hermione whimpered letting her legs fall open and she rocked her hips forward to encourage his exploration of her body. She felt first one and then a second finger slide into her as his thumb rubbed her clit in small circles.

“Yes…oh God, please don’t stop…” she whispered huskily as she writhed against the invisible hand

“God isn’t here right now” he chuckled again enjoying how wanton she was for him.

She could feel pressure building up inside of her, and she remembered feeling something like this happening to her once before when she had been straddling Viktor and kissing him. It was a sort of feeling like she was on the edge of something, and she knew the feeling of release she was chasing was all that she needed. It was then that she felt his tongue lap at her as the fingers continued pumping into her, curling just slightly creating a dangerous rhythm that was threatening to send her over that edge.

She heard his voice again, whispering in her ear, yet coming from all around her at the same time “You taste like the sweetest honey…Come for me”

A moment later she cried out, her body shuddering against his invisible hand and mouth

“Yes…Tell me you want more… _Beg me_.”

Hermione had never felt anything so amazing in her life, and she knew immediately she wanted to feel more….

“Please…I want you…” she begged writhing under his hands that were everywhere all at one; caressing her breasts, teasing her nipples, massaging her thighs and kneading her bum.

“Please what? Tell me what you want” he asked huskily in her ear

“Please fuck me…” she begged biting down on her lip as she felt a solid body move over hers. She couldn’t touch him with her hands, but she could feel the warmth radiating from his skin, and the hard planes of his chest as it moved against hers. She could feel his cock, hard and ready at her entrance as she bucked her hips against his. He let out a groan as the tip of his cock moved against her clit and she moaned against his neck.

“Take a deep breath” he instructed her, and she did as he asked when she felt him thrust into her, breaking through her Maidenhead. He stilled inside of her, and she could feel the sting and the discomfort from his cock as it stretched her in a way that she had never felt before. After a few moments, the pain subsided to a dull throb as he began to move inside of her, slowly at first, and then picking up his pace.

“So tight” she heard him mumble and it turned into a growl as he began fucking her in earnest now. She felt the pressure building up again in her belly, and her legs were suddenly pushed up over his shoulders as he continued to pound into her relentlessly, hitting a deeper spot inside of her now. Finally, his lips captured hers, and she moaned into his mouth, his tongue sliding against hers, as he pushed her into her climax. She cried out feeling the waves of pleasure that started at her center spread through her whole body, even down to her toes as he pumped into her a few more times spilling himself deep within her.

“That was… _oh my God_ …I’m still shaking.” Hermione said smiling as she laughed feeling completely and utterly satisfied.

She heard his sensuous chuckle again near her ear, “It wasn’t God that made you come like that, my Athena.” she felt his teeth nip her ear playfully.

“No, it was you, my Ares.” She sighed softly snuggling down into her pillow

“Sleep now” he whispered, and just like that, he was gone and she fell into a blissful sleep.

 


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~{0}~~

 

The next morning, Hermione awoke with a delicious ache between her thighs and she stretched like a cat feeling more alive than she had in a long time when the realization came over her that she was naked. She pulled back the covers, and gasped when she saw a bit of blood on the sheets where she had been laying. What the hell? Panicking, she bolted out of bed and into her bathroom where she knew there was a contraception potion. Ginny had left it behind as a backup for when she stayed over with Harry. Honestly, she had no idea what had occurred, and she wasn’t about to leave it to chance, considering the blood that was on her sheets. Had she truly lost her virginity last night to a faceless and nameless stranger? She had thought that it would only be a realistic sort of dream, not that it would actually be occurring. Anger flooded her at his betrayal. How could he take advantage of her like that? She grabbed her wand off the nightstand and placed a scourgify over the bed to clear away the evidence of her deflowering, not wanting to think about Kreacher seeing it and what sort of literal mudblood comments he would throw her way.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, she headed down to the kitchen to find Harry digging into his morning cereal.

“Who pissed in your cheerios this morning?” he asked her, seeing her less than happy expression.

“What? It’s nothing. Just didn’t sleep well is all.” She said telling him a half-truth.

“Any messages this morning?” he asked conversationally

“I haven’t checked yet. I can’t handle seeing a cock before I at least have my morning coffee.” She said, making Harry snort.

“Well, I was telling Ron-“ Harry began.

“Oh God, please tell me you didn’t tell Ron about the dick pics.” Hermione said dropping her head in her hands.

“Yeah I did, it’s funny, Hermione. It’s not like you know who any of those blokes are…well, except for Draco, but at least he had the decency to keep something to the imagination.” Harry said laughing.

“Well, I think one of those Dick pics may have been Percy’s.” Hermione admitted blushing

Harry’s eyes widened, “What makes you think that?” he said choking on his coffee.

Well, how many Ginger wizards do you know?” Hermione said carefully.

Harry didn’t like where this was going, “Six. Seven including Arthur.”

“Well, I know it wasn’t Ron, thank God, I could tell by the hand in the photo that was…erm…stroking it.” Hermione said covering her face with her hands as Harry paled.

“Okay, I think I’ve officially lost my appetite, Hermione.” Harry said holding up his hand for her to stop talking.

Hermione laughed and finished her coffee and heading back upstairs. Now that she had calmed somewhat, she needed to talk to Ares and find out what the hell he did to her last night. She grabbed her laptop and pulled it onto her lap and logged in to MagicalMatch.com. There was a message from Ares731, just as she had anticipated:

_My Athena,_

_I thoroughly enjoyed your delectable body last night. Even now, thinking about how sweet you tasted on my tongue is making my cock hard. I’ll need to have you again tonight. Tell me my little Goddess, did you enjoy my touch? Do you want more?_

_~Your Ares_

Quite without her permission, her body was suddenly on fire. Thinking about his hands touching and stroking her everywhere, his mouth, and his cock moving inside of her was making her crave him all over again. Before she broke down and felt the need to pleasure herself, she hit reply and began typing her response:

_My Ares,_

_You’ve awakened a hunger inside of me that demands to be satisfied. Last night was amazing, but I want to be able to touch you as well. Will you share the spell? Do you want me to touch you?_

_Also, I should tell you, I took a contraception potion this morning just in case, since it seems that the dream was a little too realistic and you actually did take my virginity last night…thanks for the warning by the way._

_~Your Athena_

She bit her lip shyly as she sent her response feeling something she had never yet felt in her entire life; sexy. Ares was an older wizard who was extremely intelligent and experienced, and yet he wanted her it seemed just as much as she wanted him.

Before she could log out, a chime sounded that she had an incoming message

 **Ares731** : Yes

 **Athena1979:** Yes what?

 **Ares731:** Yes I want you to touch me…

 **Athena1979:** So you’ll share the spell then?

 **Ares731:** I will. When I tell you I am ready, you need to close your eyes and focus all of your magic into a ball and then think of me. Imagine the ball floating, and let it lead you to me. Once you feel the connection with my mind, whisper the spell _Voluptatem Somnium_. I’ll let you know if it worked.

 **Athena1979:** Alright, I’ll give it a try.

 **Ares731:** I’m ready.

Hermione closed her eyes and did as he had instructed, visualizing her magic forming into a tight little ball, and then floating out from her center, where she followed it as if she was flying. She felt it disappear, and could feel another mind connected to hers that was in a somewhat agitated state. She whispered the spell, Voluptatum Somnium, and felt a calmness descend over the foreign mind, soothing away the agitation. She opened her eyes, and looked at the screen and she read his message

 **Ares731:** Your magic is like a drug, and I’m already addicted…

 **Athena1979:** So is that what I felt yesterday when you connected to me? Your magic?

 **Ares731:** Yes. Did you like it?

 **Athena1979:** Yes, it was cozy like a soft blanket and a martini all rolled into one, except without the fuzzy thoughts.

 **Ares731:** Interesting. Yours feels like silk and sex.

Hermione didn’t know what to say to that. She never would have guessed that her magic was so saucy, especially where she was a bookworm.

 **Athena1979** : Huh. I never would have guessed that. You seemed agitated when I connected with you, is everything alright?

 **Ares731** : I’m fine, no need for concern. Your silky sexy magic made it all better.

 **Athena1979:** So until tonight then…

 **Ares731** : I am looking forward to it.

She smiled to herself rubbing her thighs together, already getting turned on at the thought of being with him. She wondered what would happen if she took a nap? Did they both need to be asleep for it to work?

She yawned, and cast another silencing spell on her bedroom just in case, and crawled onto her bed and closed her eyes. She heard his deep chuckle by her ear

“Already so eager to have me again?” he whispered.

“Yes…please I need to touch you…” She answered, still unable to open her eyes.

She lifted her hand, and felt it come in contact with his bicep and her breath hitched as she traced her fingers over his arm, feeling the sinewy muscles beneath. She sat up moving her hand up his arm and over his chest. She dipped her head down, wanting to taste him, and her tongue darted out and flicked over his nipple, and she heard him groan. She smirked at his reaction, and moved a little lower to his abs and did it again, feeling his body tense beneath her hands and mouth. She wanted to kiss him again, so she moved back up and tangled her fingers in his hair as she pulled him against her, kissing him hungrily. He responded to her kiss, languidly moving his tongue against hers, teasing her with it as he mimicked his movements that he had done the night before when he had been pleasuring her with his mouth, and She moaned. His arms came around her then, and she let one hand slip from his hair and run down his back, feeling the muscles flex beneath her fingers as he pulled her closer. She could feel his cock hard and hot against her thigh, and she wanted nothing more than to feel it inside of her giving her that same delicious feeling she had remembered from the night before. She moved her hand down between them, and grasped his cock firmly in her hand, causing him to exhale sharply, coming out more like a hiss.

“Fuck…Yes…Take me in your mouth” he mumbled against her neck as she stroked him

She had never done anything like this before, but the thought of pleasing him with her mouth was strangely exciting. He had, after all, done it for her the night before. She kissed her way down his body, memorizing the taste of him as she went until her mouth hovered over his cock. She could feel him tense again as her warm breath ghosted over him, causing his cock to twitch in her hand. She flicked her tongue out experimentally to lick the tip before she sucked him into her mouth. He let out an animalistic growl as she moved her mouth back and forth over him, sucking him deeper into her mouth.

“Uh…yeah…use your tongue too…just like that…” he mumbled and she felt his hands slide into her hair as he began to thrust into her mouth.

She continued to suck him, swirling her tongue around the tip as she pulled back before taking him fully into her mouth again. She could feel him beginning to tense again, and she wondered if he was close to his orgasm, and what she should do.

“I’m going to come…I want you to swallow every last drop.” He said hoarsely as he pumped into her mouth faster causing her to gag a little. After a few moments, his movements became more erratic, and she felt a salty liquid in the back of her throat and she swallowed it, continuing her movement until she was sure she had gotten every last drop.

“Come here…” he whispered pulling her back up to him kissing her hard, tasting himself on her tongue.

“Do you like pleasing me, my Athena?” he said against her ear as he trailed kisses over her neck, nipping her shoulder with his teeth as he pushed her back down onto the bed. His hands moved to her breasts and he sucked her nipple into his mouth causing her to moan and arch her body towards him. His hand trailed down to the apex of her thighs, and he slid a finger into her as he worked her clit with his thumb.

“It seems you did…you are so wet” he said groaning as he kissed his way down her stomach until his head was between her thighs.

“please…” she whispered seductively as she bucked her hips towards his face. She felt his warm breath against her thighs as a second and then a third finger joined the first pumping into her. His tongue darted out and flicked against her clit and she whimpered with need. She began moving her hips to meet his fingers as they worked her into a frenzy, perfectly in sync with his tongue. She felt the pressure building up within her, and she wanted to feel that release that only he could give her so badly. When he slipped his fingers out of her, and moved away, she cried out at the loss

“When you come, it’s going to be with my cock inside you…” he said huskily as he moved over her, grasping the underside of her thigh to move her leg up over his hip as he slid his cock into her. She gasped as she felt herself being stretched and bit down on her lip when she felt his pubic bone brush against her clit, sending a jolt of pleasure down her spine. He began thrusting into her now, and she slid her hands over his back, leaving crescent shaped marks on his shoulder blades from her nails as she rocked her hips against him, meeting him thrust for thrust, and panting with need. He captured her lips with his once more, moaning into her mouth as she took him as deep into her as she could. It didn’t take long for her to feel herself moving closer to the edge again, and she began to moan shamelessly every time his pubic bone mashed against her clit as he slammed his cock into her.

“Ares…don’t stop fucking me…harder….ah!” she cried out as she felt her release wash over her causing her walls to clamp down around him. She heard him growl and he pulled her legs up onto his shoulders, fucking her harder and deeper as she rode out her orgasm. He found his release a few moments later, coming inside her with a groan.

She bit her lip and giggled softly, trailing a finger over his toned chest.

“What is it” he practically purred against her ear

“I think I rather like this spell…” she said before capturing his mouth again and biting his bottom lip playfully.

She heard his deep chuckle which sounded deliciously naughty to her ears.

“Although…I think I would rather have the real thing…” Hermione admitted, and she felt his body still beside hers. She began to grow self-conscious when he didn’t say anything.

“Don’t you wish to know what I truly look like, and who I am?” she asked bringing her leg to rest over his hip so that their bodies were still entwined.

“You have no idea how badly I want that.” He sighed trailing his finger over the curve of her jaw, “Hush now, and sleep, my Athena”

As if his magic had commanded it, she fell into a deep sleep for several hours, feeling more rested than she had in a long time when she finally awoke.

She still had no idea what Ares looked like, though judging from what she would feel with her hands, his body was lithe, lean and well-toned, and his hands were strong yet soft, with long graceful fingers. His face was clean shaven since she couldn’t feel any stubble, and he had a masculine jaw, full kissable lips, and high cheekbones. All in all, she imagined he must be quite handsome.

Another thought crossed her mind then; if he was as handsome as she suspected, why was he not already married? Surely a Wizard of his age and intelligence level having the features she was sure he had must have been highly coveted by many witches. Also, he seemed very secretive and protective of his privacy, having told her very little about himself, aside from what she was able to read in his profile. Maybe he _was_ married, or he had a secretive job? She supposed it was possible that he worked as an unspeakable for the Ministry, and it could explain how he could have come up with the spell that they had just used (and probably abused…). She had to admit, that if that was the case, it made him that much more attractive to her. She bit her lip feeling how relaxed she was after their mid-afternoon romp, and she grabbed her laptop and opened it to find she had three new messages.

Surprisingly, there was another one from her Potion’s Professor, EnsnaringtheSenses65. She blushed when she read it, realizing that he must’ve had a few drinks before he sent it.

_Miss Granger; excuse me Athena1979,_

_I am not certain whether you have figured out who I am yet, but on the off chance that you are still in the dark, I couldn’t resist telling you that when you nibble on the end of your quill, the way you sometimes do when you think no one is watching, it makes me wonder what else those lips could do…_

_Do not misunderstand, I still find you to be wholly insufferable when you speak, but the thought of shutting you up with my cock is extremely appealing. Should you ever wish to be educated, my door is always open._

_~SS_

Hermione’s jaw dropped. Severus Snape found her attractive? Well, apparently he only found her physically appealing. She didn’t know whether to be supremely offended by his blatant insult and suggestion, or flattered, considering the man was such an enigma. She decided to go with flattered, since he was, after all, a double spy. Danger was his middle name and all that. Still, she had no intention of strolling into his office sans knickers to pretend that Crookshanks ate her homework, just so he would have his wicked way with her. On second thought, she decided she could file that info away for later, in case Ares shot her down.

She hit reply, just to have a bit of fun with him:

Severus; or should I call you _Professor_?

I must admit, the feeling is entirely mutual; you are a surly git who I have not one shred of affection for, however, the thought of your large nose buried between my thighs is strangely appealing.

I’ll be sure to let you know if I am indeed interested in furthering my education.

~HG.

She chuckled imagining the horrified look on his face when he read that particular message. Moving on, she saw a new message from someone named _DaddySnake_ and she cringed. This couldn’t be anything good. She clicked on his profile which was without a photo:

_Likes: Shiny pretty things, Peacocks, and silk hair ties._

Ugh. It had to be Malfoy Senior. She idly wondered what he would be doing on here, and then the thought struck her that maybe Narcissa had some common sense after all, and chose not to have sex with him, aside from that one time she got pregnant with Draco. Hermione sniggered.

_Athena1979,_

_I’ll cut to the chase; I’m married, rich, and hung like a python. I’m looking for a young flexible woman who is into kinky sex and no strings attached…unless you’re a Mudblood, in which case, disregard this message._

_~DaddySnake_

Hermione shook her head and rolled her eyes. She would not be replying to that one. Last but not least there was a message from Ares, and she took a deep breath and clicked on his message. She was afraid he would want to end their association:

_My Athena,_

_I am curious if you have any suspicions or guesses as to my true identity? I’d like to hear them if you do, and would be interested to know what brought you to your conclusion._

_I myself feel as though I am getting closer to discovering your identity, however, for now, it still eludes me, other than to say that I know you are still in school, and most definitely a Gryffindor if your moral compass and bravery are anything to go by. There is one thing however that has me feeling quite conflicted if you are in fact who I think you might be. Conflicted in the sense that the feel of your magic was not what I had anticipated, and how your touch sets my skin aflame. I confess it has made me question more than I care to admit._

_~Your Ares_

Hermione bit her lip. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of his message, other than maybe he was having second thoughts about pursuing a relationship with her if she turned out to be who he thought she was, although he did confess to how much she affected him. She hit reply, and began to type:

  
_My Ares,_

_Conflicted. Interesting word choice. I admit that you probably are closer to discovering my identity than I am to discovering yours. I’ve considered that you are older than I, and thought about who could possibly fit into that category with the level of intelligence you possess. I am certain however, that I do not know you, at least not personally, because I simply do not know any wizards that look at the world the way you do, approaching it from angles that people rarely wish to see. From what I could feel of you, you do not seem familiar to me, and yet…there is something. I have considered from your secretive manner that you are either an Unspeakable working for the Ministry, Married, or you could simply be a Death Eater, based on your affinity for the Dark Arts, however, I cannot conceive of such passion coming from a Sycophant._

_You are correct, I am indeed still a student, although not for much longer, and I am a Gryffindor. I’ll give you another clue: I am Muggleborn._

_If you are in fact a Death Eater, I expect you will feel even more conflicted. I will ask you, as you have asked me; what specifically, are your thoughts on Muggleborns?_

_~Your Athena_

She bit her lip and closed the laptop. That may have very well been her last message to Ares, if it turned out that he was in fact, a Death Eater. Granted, she had no desire to associate with someone who clearly had no respect for her, however, she felt a connection to him somehow, and hoped that he felt it too. He did also admit that his attraction to her was making him question a great many things. She kept her fingers crossed that he was an unspeakable and that he did not subscribe to the archaic blood purity propaganda.

She made her way downstairs, and was surprised to find Harry and Ginny in the middle of a heated make out session on the couch.

“Oh! Er…sorry….I’ll just…” Hermione said turning on her heel and running back up the stairs. They were too caught up in each other to even notice, thankfully. Hermione plopped back down on her bed, her thoughts turning once again to Ares. Cursing herself for being pathetic and having no life, she picked up her laptop once more, and she felt a nervous flutter n her stomach when she saw that he was online. A moment later, she heard the chime signaling an incoming message:

 **Ares731** : I am fairly certain I know who you are.

Hermione took a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst

 **Athena1979** : And?

 **Ares731:** Hermione Granger.

 **Athena1979:** Clever. And how do you feel about that?

Several moments passed where she held her breath, waiting for him to say that he didn’t want to continue talking with her.

 **Ares731:** I’m not sure.

 **Athena1979** : What is it about me that has you so conflicted?

 **Ares731** : You’re a Muggleborn, among other things.

 **Athena1979** : So you are a Death Eater then. I thought as much.

 **Ares731** : No, I can assure you, I am not a Death Eater.

 **Athena1979:** Okay…but you have a problem with Muggleborns all the same?

 **Ares731** : You could say that.

 **Athena1979** : Would you care to elaborate? I’d be interested to know why.

 **Ares731** : I suppose my…mistrust is due to many things, not the least of which being my own personal experience with muggles. They have proven to be entirely useless. Muggleborns are guilty by association, and it is unnatural that they should have the ability to do magic at all.

 **Athena1979** : You know for someone who is not a Death Eater, you sound awfully like one. I’d like to point out something that you once pointed out to me; just because you see something one way, or that your experiences colored your opinion, there is always two sides to every coin. Just as magic that has been labeled as ‘dark’ is not necessarily evil, Muggleborns also are not a reflection of Muggles…because truly, they are not muggles. Is it fair to say that all purebloods are magically superior and equally powerful? Of course not; there are Squibs born to pureblooded magical families, just the same as there are witches and wizards born to muggles. Would you also say that the magical ability of say Albus Dumbledore, who was a pureblood, was of equal measure to that of Lucius Malfoy?

 **Ares731** : You pose a compelling argument. I will concede that not all purebloods are created equal, but surely you see that Muggleborns are a danger to society. Muggles and Magic should not be allowed to coexist, it is a direct threat to our world, and a violation of the statute of secrecy.

 **Athena1979** : I heartily disagree; I grant you, that people, whether they are wizards or muggles have an inherent capability for destruction. You fear muggles exploiting our magic, and destroying our world. I fear the destruction of our society from within, spread through hate.

 **Ares731** : Can we agree to disagree?

 **Athena1979** : No. J

 **Ares731** : Has anyone ever told you that you are insufferable?

 **Athena1979** : Many, many times. Now, I have questions for you.

 **Ares731** : Ask away.

 **Athena1979** : You seem to be very…private. Are you sure you’re not a Death Eater?

 **Ares731** : Quite.

 **Athena1979** : Married then?

 **Ares731** : Free as a bird.

 **Athena1979** : Are you an Unspeakable?

 **Ares731** : Interesting theory, but no.

 **Athena1979** : Do we know each other?

 **Ares731** : Yes…sort of.

 **Athena1979** : We do know of each other then?

 **Ares731** : Well…we aren’t personally acquainted (or at least we weren’t), but we knew _of_ each other, yes.

 **Athena1979** : I’m still clueless.

 **Ares731** : I could be anybody; Lucius Malfoy, Remus Lupin, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Lord Voldemort…

 **Athena1979** : I’m certain you aren’t Remus or Kingsley.

 **Ares731** : And what about Malfoy?

 **Athena1979** : Well, aside from the fact that you said you weren’t a Death Eater, and he clearly is, he goes by _DaddySnake_ on here…

 **Ares731** : DaddySnake huh? How original…

 **Athena1979** : Quite.

 **Ares731** : What if I was Lord Voldemort?

 **Athena1979** : I’m certain Voldemort wouldn’t take time out of his busy schedule to scour the web looking for young witches to massage his wand.

 **Ares731** : There is nothing wrong with having a lovely young witch massage your wand, I’ll have you know.

 **Athena1979** : Can you give me a hint?

 **Ares731** : I just did…but, here’s another one: I’m a Parselmouth.

Hermione’s eyebrows rose to her hairline. _Shit_. Maybe he was Voldemort. Hermione panicked for a moment, wondering what she could say. Should she play dumb?

 **Ares731** : I’m judging by the lack of response that either you truly don’t know, or you are in a state of shock.

 **Athena1979** : Shock.

 **Ares731** : Do you need a minute?

 **Athena1979:** I think I need more than a minute…I thought you said you weren’t a Death Eater?!

 **Ares731** : Technically, I’m not. ;)

 **Athena1979** : Why me?

 **Ares731** : Why not you? Aside from your (and we’ll agree to disagree here) unfortunate background, you are intelligent, strong, sexy…shall I go on?

 **Athena1979** : You think I’m sexy?

 **Ares731** : I had thought that was obvious…

 **Athena1979** : So…aside from the fact that I’m _me,_ and you’re _you_ …you still want to be with me?

 **Ares731** : Very much…the question is, _do you_?

 **Athena1979** : This goes completely against my morals, and I can’t believe I’m saying this…but yes.

 **Ares731** : Do you trust me?

 **Athena1979** : Not even a little bit.

 **Ares731** : Oh come on…

 **Athena1979** : You took my virginity! Thanks for the warning, by the way…

 **Ares731** : Yes, I rather enjoyed that.

 **Athena1979** : What do you have in mind, then?

 **Ares731** : Your legs wrapped around my waist?

 **Athena1979** : Naughty….

 **Ares731** : Tell Potter that you need to get away for the weekend…make something up.

 **Athena1979** : And why should I do that?

 **Ares731** : So I can have my wicked way with you.

 **Athena1979** : Knowing you, it probably is wicked…but, it’s tempting…I think I can come up with something.

 **Ares731** : Meet me tomorrow at noon in room 7 at the Leaky Cauldron…and wear something sexy.

 **Athena1979** : If this is a trick, so help me…How do I know you aren’t going to abduct me?

 **Ares731** : You don’t… ;)

Hermione bit her lip smirking when she remembered one of their earlier conversations when he had first asked her to allow him into her mind. He had said the same thing then, and she had very much enjoyed it.

 **Athena1979** : You’re a bad influence, do you know that?

 **Ares731** : So I’ve been told…

 **Athena1979** : Alright, I’m going to go lie to my best friend now so I can shag his arch nemesis. I’ll see you tomorrow at noon in room 7. Don’t wear anything with too many buttons...

Hermione smirked and closed the laptop. She had to be out of her mind. If anyone knew that she was sneaking around behind everyone’s back to fuck Voldemort, she’d be well and truly kicked out of the Order. She would just have to make sure no one found out.

She crept back downstairs, and it seemed Harry and Ginny had finally finished their tryst, and were eating dinner in the kitchen. She pulled up a chair, and grabbed a slice of pizza.

“Harry, I am going out of town for a couple days. There is this fascinating lecture on the uses of slug mucous in potions that I have been dying to attend.”

“Do you think that is a good idea? I mean, I don’t think you should be going anywhere by yourself…Voldemort would give anything to get his hands on you.” Harry said

 _You have no idea,_ she mused biting back a smirk

“Well, I was thinking I would take polyjuice potion the whole time. No one would have a clue it was me. Also, I’ll keep my DA coin on me, just in case.”

Harry seemed to mull it over, and then agreed that she would probably be alright in that case. She smiled, and ate her pizza, strangely not feeling any guilt.

 

~~{0}~~

 

The next morning, Hermione woke up, still feeling the memory of Voldemort’s phantom touch from the spell, and smiled to herself. Today, she would get to have him for real. She was a bit nervous, but excited at the same time. She had brewed some contraception potion the night before, and packed some in her overnight bag. She decided she would head into Diagon Alley a little early so that she could buy some lingerie, since she really didn’t own any. The thought of wearing something sexy for him got her aroused all over again.

When she arrived at the Leaky Cauldron, she felt a nervous flutter in her stomach once again. She was disguised under Polyjuice potion, so no one looked twice at her when she walked in and headed towards the stairs that led up to the rooms. She fingered the vial in her pocket, that held the antidote to the Polyjuice potion, so that she could shed her disguise before she entered his room.

She bit her lip as she approached room 7, checking her watch and noting that it was just noon. She quickly swallowed the contents of the vial, and felt the effects of the polyjuice wear off, leaving her undisguised. She took a deep breath and knocked, jumping slightly as the door cracked open allowing her to enter. As a precaution, she had her wand clutched tightly in her hand within her pocket, just in case it was a trap. She pushed the door open slowly, and stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She heard the sound of wards sliding into place, and a silencing charm descend over the room.

“I do not wish for us to be disturbed.” Came the voice that had become familiar to her in her dreams, say from one of the wingback chairs that was facing away from her.

Hermione took in the room, there was a fire blazing in the hearth, and a large king sized bed covered with black silk sheets. She was sure that must’ve been his doing.

He stood from the chair and faced her, and her breath caught in her throat. Simply put, he was gorgeous. She was admittedly a little confused; since his appearance was very different from the description Harry had given her after the battle at the department of Mysteries.

“You have no need of your wand. I have no desire to hurt you…well…unless you ask me nicely.” He said giving her a naughty smirk and raking his hand through his black hair.

He saw the look of confusion on her face and explained, “The face you recognize as Lord Voldemort is a glamour. In truth, when I was brought back a few years ago by my horcruxes, It truly was my face, as much as it pains me to say. There were benefits, mind you, that face helped to inspire fear, which did help to… _motivate_ …certain individuals. However, I was able to permanently recover my true form not long after. I chose to keep up the façade as a glamour, since it has been quite effective.”

Hermione continued to stare at him, trying not to drool.  
  
“Please, say something.” He said in a tone that belied his calm demeanor. Was he nervous?

“I’m…I’m sort of still trying to process this.” She said honestly.

“I admit, when I knew for certain who you were, it threw me for a loop. You were supposed to be the embodiment of everything I despise, yet you are so…” he trailed off not quite knowing what to say.

“Perfect.” Hermione finished shaking her head at the irony of it all.

“Yes.” He said gazing at her as if he wanted to eat her alive.

She made her way over to him, cautiously.  

“How can I forget everything that’s happened?” she asked, looking at him seriously.

He chuckled darkly, “I don’t suppose you’d let me Obliviate you?”

Hermione snorted, “Don’t even think about it.”

“It’s still me…” he said quietly, looking at her from under his dark lashes in a way that made warmth flare in her chest.

Before she knew what she was doing, she pushed him back into the chair and straddled his lap, kissing him hungrily, wanting to forget, even for a few moments about everything that stood between them. Right now, she could just be his Athena, and he was her Ares.

He sighed contentedly into her mouth as her hands tangled in his hair as they kissed. His hands slid down her back, and grasped her hips as she ground herself against him. Her hands slid from his hair and began pushing his robes off, wanting to feel his skin against hers.

“You have on too many clothes” she mumbled into his mouth, and was rewarded with a deep chuckle as he removed her robe. His eyes darkened with lust when he saw that all she wore underneath was a Green and black satin bra, black lacy knickers, a black garter belt with black thigh highs, and a pair of black heels.

“Someone is a naughty little Gryffindor…” he said appreciatively as he snapped the elastic of one of her garters against her thigh

“Shut up.” Hermione said laughing before she attacked his lips again, and snapped her fingers vanishing his clothes and her knickers with wandless magic.

He stood from the chair, and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her over to the bed. He set her down and began to crawl on top of her when she surprised him and instead pushed him down onto the bed. He groaned as she placed her hand on his chest and straddled him on the bed.

“It’s my turn” she leaned down to whisper in his ear as he grasped her hips grinding his cock against her already wet center. He hissed at the contact and watched as she slipped her hand down between them to guide him into her, and she cried out as he slid inside her welcoming heat. She began to ride him, pressing her palms flat against his chest as she looked into his eyes. She wanted him to see how much he affected her, and what his touch did to her.

“My Goddess” he breathed as he moved his hand to where they were joined and began to rub her clit. She let out a breathy moan every time she came back down onto him feeling his cock hit a spot inside of her that was pushing her closer and closer to her climax.

“Please don’t stop…I need…Oh God….I’m going to come…” she said breathlessly as she held his gaze

“Say my name!” he growled as she thrust up into her feeling her walls begin to constrict around his cock

“Oh…yes!…Voldemort!” she screamed as she felt herself shatter from the pleasure he was giving her.

He flipped her onto her back, lifting her legs onto his shoulders as he pounded into her as she shuddered around him. He came hard inside of her with a groan, his heart thudding in his chest and breathing heavily as he looked down at her with a naughty grin.

“You are a little temptress.” he whispered as he nipped playfully at her neck.

“Me? You’re the one who is holding me captive so you can have your wicked way with me, you evil, evil man…” Hermione laughed, and Voldemort chuckled.

“Yes, and I plan to do it again and again before this night is over…” he said kissing her deeply.

His hands slid up her back and over her shoulders, pulling the straps of her bra down so that he could capture one of her nipples in his mouth. Hermione moaned and arched her back against him. She had never been this turned on by anyone in her life. It seemed a cosmic joke that the one man who could make her feel like this was the most evil wizard in Britain. Right now though, she didn’t care if he was the devil himself, so long as he kept doing that thing with his tongue.

“What would your Death Eaters say if they knew what you were up to?” Hermione panted as he continued to tease her

“It doesn’t matter, does it? None of them have the balls to say anything to me about it.” He chuckled.

“That shouldn’t turn me on as much as it does…” Hermione moaned as she felt him getting hard again.

“On your knees…I want you from behind this time.” He said huskily

Hermione gave him a naughty grin and did as he asked, feeling even more turned on at his brusque command.

He grabbed a fistful of her hair, yanking her head back as he settled himself behind her, lining up his cock with her entrance.

“Beg me.” He leaned down and whispered against the shell of her ear, as his hand slid down between her thighs to rub her clit.

Hermione bit her lip, knowing he could feel how wet she was. He was so sexy in that moment, the raw power he held over her made her practically come, and he hadn’t even fucked her yet.

“Please fuck me… _My Lord_ ” she said looking at him over her shoulder, knowing that his title falling from her lips like that would drive him wild.

His eyes rolled back in pleasure and he thrust into her hard making her cry out. He pounded into her relentlessly, keeping a tight grasp of her hair with one hand while his other hand stroked her clit. After only a few moments, Hermione was coming hard around him, clutching the black silk sheets and practically shredding them with her fingernails. A few thrusts later, he came inside of her and pulled her down beside him on the bed.

“Fuck that was hot.” He said after a few minutes when their breathing was back under control.

Hermione looked up at him and smirked, “So I have to ask…what made you decide to create a profile? I never would have expected to find _you_ on there.” Hermione asked turning on her side to face him.

“Same reason as anyone, I suppose. You have to remember; I am surrounded by morons who don’t know the first thing about how to have an intelligent discussion. Aside from that, I suppose I was horny.” He said laughing.

“I can only imagine the messages you must’ve had, some of mine were downright creepy.” Hermione said laughing.

“Oh? Like what? Do tell…”

“Well, first there were the dick pics. I mean, who does that? One of them I have no idea who it was. The second one, I am fairly certain belonged to Percy Weasley…Not that I know from personal experience, but he’s a ginger, and I’m pretty sure he was born in 1977.” She said cringing

Voldemort snorted, “That is disturbing. What else?”

“Oh let’s see…there was a message from Draco asking me if I would fancy being fucked in a library-“

“Would you?” he asked, his eyes swirling with mischief.

Hermione chuckled, “Absolutely…”

Voldemort groaned and urged her to continue.

“Then there was Malfoy Senior, who basically was just looking for sex, since Narcissa must not be putting out. I knew it was him right away with a ridiculous screen name like ‘ _DaddySnake_ ’.” Hermione scoffed.

“Was that all?” he asked

“For the most part.” She decided not to tell him about Viktor and Professor Snape, since it was likely that if she did, their bodies would be eventually turn up in some remote place.

“Okay, I told you about my awful messages, I want to hear about yours.” Hermione said laughing.

“Most of mine were actually pretty tame, though there were a few that I tried to obliviate out of my mind, but they just won’t go away.”

Hermione chuckled, “Like what?”

“Well, the worst one was from Minerva McGonagall. Do you have any idea what the chest of a seventy-five year old woman looks like? Imagine two withered bananas.” He said rubbing at his eyes.

“Oh God, if she only knew who she sent that photo to!” Hermione said laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes, “I’ll never be able to look that woman in the eye again!” Hermione snorted.

“And then there was the one from Bellatrix. If you look up ‘whore’ in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure there would be a picture of Bella right next to it.” He said scrunching up his nose in distaste.

“Maybe she didn’t know it was you?” Hermione offered.

“Oh, no, she did. She also included a nude photo of herself, as if I hadn’t seen that before” he said rolling his eyes

Hermione leaned up on her arms and gaped at him, “You slept with Bellatrix?”

“Fuck no. She parades around naked whenever she feels like it. No one has the nerve to tell her to put her clothes back on, because she’s pretty quick with her unforgivables.” He said in mock offense.

“Anyone else?” Hermione asked.

“There is one more, though I really tried to block it out of my mind. In fact, after I read the message I curled up on the bed and cried.” He told her.

Hermione’s eyes widened, “Really?”

Voldemort chuckled, “No, not really. You really thought I cried?”

She slapped him playfully on the arm, “Who was it from? You have to tell me now…” Hermione said as she twined her fingers through his.

“Albus Dumbledore. It was a while ago, mind you, when he was still alive. Apparently he thought I reminded him of a young Grindelwald, and he propositioned me.”

Hermione’s mouth dropped open “Did he know? That you were…well, _you_?”

“I’m pretty certain he did. Fucked up, huh?” he said chuckling as he pulled Hermione on top of him again.

“Now I really need to get all these awful images out of my head. I’d much rather be thinking about doing naughty things with you.”

“Well, we do have all weekend…” Hermione said kissing him again and sucking on his bottom lip. He groaned.

“I think the prophecy got it wrong.” He said chuckling

“Oh?” she said leaving a trail of kisses over his abs down towards his cock

“I’m fairly certain you will be the death of me, not Harry Potter.”

Hermione flashed him a naughty grin, “Well, consider this me doing my civic duty.” She said as she sucked him into her mouth.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no explanation for this...it just sorta happened. It is in no way canon, and completely AU and cracktastic, and if you read this, may God have mercy on your soul. And yes...there will be more. It was meant to be two shot, but, I changed my mind. I know that will make some of you happy! (and I'm sure even more of you will cringe!) As always leave a review! xo

By the time she returned to Grimmauld Place on Sunday, Harry was sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop in front of him.

"Hey, how was the snail mucus thingy?" Harry asked not bothering to look up at her

"Very stimulating, actually." Hermione smirked to herself as she made her way over to him to see what he was so intensely focused on.

"Magical Ancestry dot com?" She asked raising her eyebrows in surprise.

"I just…wanted to know if I have any living family members left." Harry said, his cheeks turning red in embarrassment.

"You do, Harry, the Dursleys." Hermione said looking at him in confusion.

"No, I mean…I know that, but it's not like they want anything to do with me now do they? I just thought that I might have some Magical cousins, or a long lost grandparent or something out there somewhere that doesn't even know I exist."

Hermione looked at him sympathetically, she had only obliviated her parents mere months ago, and the loneliness was stifling at times; she couldn't imagine having to go her whole life feeling like that.

"Well, I suppose we should get you signed up then." Hermione sighed giving him a small smile.

Three hours later, after filling out the forms as best they could, they clicked submit.

"Promise me, that no matter what the results say, you won't mope." Hermione said picking up her laptop from the table.

Harry stood, heading over to the fridge to grab a bottle of Butter beer, "Honestly, Hermione, I'm not thirteen anymore." Harry scoffed.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, "Harry, if you looked up ' _Emo_ ' in the dictionary, a picture of your face would be right next to it."

She chuckled as he flipped her off before jogging up the stairs to his room.

Hermione picked up the bag she'd dropped by the table, and her laptop and headed up to her own room. Her weekend with Voldemort was exhausting as it was amazing, and she couldn't wait to see him again.

She shut the door behind her, locking it and placing a silencing charm on it as she stripped off her clothes, looking at the lovebites on her collarbone with satisfaction. Her lips twitched at the reminder that she'd marked him too. She pulled on a black tank top and a pair of black boy shorts, and crawled onto her bed, opening her laptop.

She had four new messages on Magical Match, and she saw two were from Voldemort, one was from Viktor, and one from Cormac McLaggen. _Oh lord_.

She clicked on the one from Cormac first, knowing it was him from his ridiculous profile picture; he was posed naked with only his keepers' gear on. By the looks of things, he had no business looking anywhere near that smug.

 

_Athena1979,_

_You sound Hot. You remind me of someone I went to school with, who was also hot, even if she pretended not to be. If you ever want someone to show you how to…get it in the hole, I'm you're guy._

_McHung-like-a-Horse_

 

Hermione scoffed, aside from the fact that he used a pickup line that would make any girl shudder, he incorrectly used 'you're' rather than 'your', which was one of Hermione's biggest pet peeves. She wasn't going to even address his most unfortunate screen name.

Next she clicked on Viktor's message, knowing she had to tell him that she wouldn't be meeting him afterall.

 

_Hermoninny,_

_Will you meet me in London? I've been vanting you for so long._

_~VK_

 

She hit reply, knowing she had to tell him no, but flattered all the same that he still was attracted to her.

 

_Viktor,_

_I am sorry, but I have met someone. Please know that I wish you all the best with your upcoming marriage, and that despite how it began, I truly wish you all the happiness in the world._

_~H_

 

She clicked send, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She was just about to click on the message from Voldemort when an incoming message chimed

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65** : Miss Granger, you do realize that it's against school rules to proposition one of your professors.

 **Athena1979** : Yes, well, I'm sure you are also aware, Professor, that it's equally against the rules to elicit sexual favors from a student.

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65:** A minor detail that would scarce be believed.

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65** : However, I should inform you that should you find yourself in detention with me, I shall endeavor to make your punishment… _a learning experience_.

 **Athena1979** : I see. Then I should inform _you_ that I have been actively furthering my education with a highly skilled teacher as of late; one that does not approve of teaching methods other than _his own_.

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65** : It's the damn werewolf, isn't it. _Fucking Lupin_.

 **Athena1979** : Really, Professor, Jealousy doesn't become you. And no, it's not _Professor_ Lupin.

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65** : If you tell me it's Flitwick, I might just throw up in my mouth.

 **Athena1979:** *laughing* God no, I mean the sheer mechanics of that are just mind boggling, aren't they? I'm not at liberty to disclose his identity, though it's possible, you may find out in due time.

 **EnsnaringTheSenses65** : Well in that case, I'll bid you good evening, though the offer still stands, _Hermione_...

 **Athena1979:** Yes, well goodnight, _Severus_ …

She stifled a laugh with her hand after closing the chat window. It made her giddy to know that two of the most dangerous men in the world found her physically attractive, which was certainly a powerful feeling. Now she knew how Helen of Troy felt!

She clicked on Voldemort's first message from his Ares731 account:

 

_Hermione,_

_It's only been a few hours since I've had you, and I already want you again._

_~Tom_

 

A goofy grin stretched across her face when she saw that he signed the message 'Tom' rather than Lord Voldemort or Ares731.

She clicked on his second message:

 

_My Sexy little Lioness,_

_I've sent you a parcel. I expect you to wear it next time we are together, which will be this coming weekend…make up another excuse. I'm taking you to Greece._

_~Tom_

 

Hermione's mouth dropped open. He was whisking her off to Greece just like that? Well, she did say she wanted to travel…

She hit reply and began typing her response:

 

_Tom (You won't Avada me for calling you that?),_

_Greece?! I've always wanted to go there. Very fitting too, since both of our screen names come from Greek Mythology. And you've sent me a gift too? You spoil me…though knowing you, this gift is probably more for your benefit than mine._

_Come to me tonight,_

_~Hermione_

 

She clicked send, and set her laptop on her bedside table as she settled into sleep, waiting for her lover to arrive.

 

~~{0}~~

 

The next morning, Hermione awoke after a particularly lovely dream in which Tom shagged her three ways from Sunday. She yawned and stretched smiling at the memory of his lips against her skin, and pulled her laptop open. She decided to check her email, and saw that she had a message from Magical Ancestry dot com. She decided to go find Harry so that they could open it together, and see if he had any living magical relatives left.

She climbed out of bed and threw on a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, tucking her laptop under her arm as she made her way downstairs. Harry was sitting at the table reading the Daily Prophet, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Morning." Harry said without looking up, his eyes scanning the latest headline of the Prophet

"I don't know why you bother reading that rag, they employ Rita Skeeter for goodness sake. Most of what they print is rubbish." She said dismissively as she took the seat across from him, setting her laptop down and pouring her own bowl of cereal.

"I know, but I just couldn't believe the front page this morning, and I had to read it." He said pushing the paper towards her. She sighed dramatically, wondering whose lives they were bent on destroying now. Her eyes scanned the headline, and she promptly choked on her cheerios.

_**Lord Voldemort's Mystery Woman** _

There was a blurry photograph of her polyjuiced form. Thank God she hadn't taken it before she left Grimmauld place! She did her best to cast doubt on the article, not wanting Harry to become suspicious.

She tossed the paper back at him dismissively, "Harry, how anyone could jump to the conclusion that this woman was Voldemort's consort is beyond me. It's sad that the Prophet has to resort to salacious gossip in order to stay relevant. I mean, the poor woman was probably just out running errands and they completely fabricated this story to sell more copies…I mean really." She said with derision

"But it says here that an earlier witness saw a mysterious cloaked figure approach Tom, the bartender at the Cauldron, asking for a room. The witness said that Tom looked terrified. Then, coincidentally, this mystery woman shows up fifteen minutes later, heading directly upstairs. She didn't speak to anyone, and no one claimed to have seen her before. It's just…odd, don't you think?" Harry went on to say

"Well, if it was Voldemort, _which I doubt_ , maybe she was a death eater and they were having a private chat? Honestly though, I am quite sure that Voldemort wouldn't hold meetings in the Leaky Cauldron when he has Malfoy Manor at his disposal. No, my guess is that the man was probably just a random death eater himself, and the woman either had nothing to do with him, or she may have been a spy. Either way, I would bet galleons it had nothing to do with Voldemort at all." Hermione said waving her hand dismissively.

Harry nodded, "You're probably right, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I mean, I can't picture anyone having sex with Voldemort." Harry said and shivered in disgust.

Hermione privately bristled at that statement, but then reminded herself that it wasn't like he kept his snake face glamour on while he shagged her. She had to stifle a laugh at the thought, _it could be kinky though_.

"Oh, I meant to tell you, we got a response from Magical Ancestry dot com! I haven't opened it yet though, I wanted to wait until we were together." She said pulling the laptop in front of her and opening her email.

Harry scooted around the table and pulled a chair up beside her, practically bouncing in his seat.

She looked at him, giving him a hopeful look before she opened the message.

 

_Dear Mister Potter,_

_We have attached a family tree that we were able to assemble based on the information you have provided along with the archives at the Registry for Magical Bloodlines. Currently, your living relatives consist only of cousins, and one Aunt and Uncle._

Harry turned to Hermione giving her a brilliant smile, "Cousins! I have cousins, Hermione!" He said excitedly as they turned back to the message

_Here are the names of your living relatives (see family tree for more information)_

_Aunt: Petunia Dursley nee Evans_

_Uncle: Vernon Dursley_

_First Cousin: Dudley Dursley_

_Second Cousins: Evan Rosier, Dorea Black nee Rosier, and Druella Black nee Rosier, Molly Weasley nee Prewett_

_Third Cousins: Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Percy Weasley, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Ronald Weasley, and Ginevra Weasley._

 

Harry's eyes grew wide, "I'm related to the Weasley's! Thankfully, only third cousins though, so I suppose it's not terribly weird that I'm dating Ginny." Harry said looking a bit embarassed.

"Harry, honestly, unlike Muggles, all the pureblood families are related to some degree, so it's not a big deal that you and Ginny are distantly related." Hermione said shrugging her shoulders. She turned their attention back to the email message.

 

_F_ _ourth Cousins,(thrice removed): Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr._

 

Both Harry and Hermione's mouth dropped open in shock

"What the actual _fuck_? How can I be related to Voldemort?!" Harry spat incredulously.

"Uh…that's…um…unfortunate" Hermione said as she stared at the screen, "Lets take a look at your family tree, then."

Hermione clicked on the attachment, watching as The Potter family free came to life on the screen.

"Okay, so going backwards from you, your parents were James Potter and Lily Evans. James was an only child, according to this, but your mother had one sister, Petunia."

"Aunt Petunia, yes. Don't remind me." Harry said rolling his eyes.

"You mother's parents were both muggles, therefore no other information is given about them, except that they are both deceased. Your father's parents were Fleamont Potter and Euphemia Prewett, both also deceased. Wow! That must be where your inheritance came from!" Hermione said excitedly.

Harry looked at her on confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"Harry, your grandfather, Fleamont Potter was the inventor of Sleakeasy's hair potion! He likely left his money for your dad in a trust fund, and then that money passed to you." Hermione explained.

Harry looked surprised, "huh, I guess I never thought about it much, I guess I just assumed since Dad was a pureblood, that all pureblood families were rich." Harry shrugged.

Hermione rolled her eyes at him, "The Weasley's aren't rich, Harry, what an insensitive thing to say!"

Harry blushed, giving her an apologetic look.

As Hermione's finger traced Harry's lineage across the screen, she sucked in a breath, "Harry! You're related to Ignotus Peverell! The invisibility cloak! That's where it came from!" She said excitedly glancing at the other two Peverell brothers. "Antioch Peverell never married, he was the middle brother, but Cadmus did, as the eldest. He was the one who had been given the Resurrection stone!" Hermione explained excitedly.

"Who did he marry then?" Harry asked

"It doesn't say, but according to the tale of the three brothers, his beloved, which I assume was his wife died tragically. Apparently, they had a daughter before she was killed though. She married a Slytherin according to this." Hermione told him.

"So Tom Riddle is descended from Cadmus Peverall then, and I from Ignotus." Harry said evenly.

"Yes, Cadmus' granddaughter went on to Marry a Gaunt, and they had two children; boys, a Morfin and Marvolo Gaunt. Marvolo married briefly, though Morfin did not. The Child of Marvolo Gaunt was Merope Gaunt." Hermione explained as she traced the family tree.

"And she Ran off with a Muggle, Tom Riddle." Harry finished for her.

"Bingo." Hermione said closing the laptop and looking at Harry evenly.

"Merlin's balls." Harry said in annoyance, "Not only do I have to be connected to him by a horcrux and a prophecy, now it seems we're family. _Fuck me_."

Hermione had to bite back a smirk at Harry's colorful vocabulary, "Well, you wanted to know." Hermione said holding up her hands defensively.

"Well, I'm going to try and _un_ -know it." Harry sighed dramatically, "Well, I suppose I should be off, I promised my third cousin a bit of a snog."

Hermione sniggered, "Well, so long as it's not Ronald, you're talking about, have a wonderful time."

Harry glared darkly at her before he put his bowl in the sink and headed upstairs to change.

Just as Hermione was finishing her tea, and unknown owl arrived at the window with an expensive looking parcel, judging by the wrapping.

She opened the window, and it flew inside, dropping the package on the table in front of her, and she gave it a few cheerios for his trouble.

The package was wrapped in emerald green wrapping, tied with a silver bow; Slytherin Colors. She quickly unwrapped it, and blushed to the roots of her hair when she looked inside. She quickly covered the box again, grabbing it and her laptop before dashing upstairs to her room. Harry would die if he saw what was inside.

She locked her door, and put the package on the bed, pulling open her laptop and logging on to Magical Match dot com. Good, he was online. She clicked on his name and a chat window popped up.

 **Athena1979:** Really Tom? Crotchless panties?

 **Ares731** : Not just any crotchless panties…

 **Athena1979** : Oh? And what makes them so special?

 **Ares731:** They're edible. Strawberry flavored…my favorite ;)

 **Athena1979** : You're joking. You seriously want me to wear that?

 **Ares731:** Yes, I expect you to.

 **Athena1979** : What's the point of it really? I mean, do you want to fuck me, or have a snack?

 **Area731** : Why not both? ;)

 **Athena1979:** It reminds me of a fruit roll up. You want me to walk around with a _fruit roll up_ on my pussy.

 **Ares731:** Well, technically, they're crotchless.

 **Athena1979** : Right. Okay then. Does this mean I get to pick out something for you?

 **Area731** : Not if you want to live.

 **Athen1979** : …

 **Ares731** : Just kidding.

 **Athena1979** : You're an ass.

 **Ares731:** Careful, or I might just get you a pair of nipple clamps to go with those crotchless panties.

 **Athena1979** : You wouldn't dare…

 **Ares731** : Oh but I would…

 **Athena1979** : Well, I'll just have to even the playing field then, I suppose.

 **Ares731** : What's that supposed to mean?

 **Athena1979** : You'll see ;)

 **Ares731** : Should I be worried?

 **Athena1979** : Yes. Yes you should be.

 **Ares731** : Kinky little Minx.

 **Athena1979** : Me? Ok Mister nipple clamps.

 **Ares731** : Keep it up and you'll be wearing a butt plug too.

 **Athen1979** : OK! I'll shut up now.

 **Ares731:** That's my girl.

 **Athena1979** : Oh, I discovered something quite…um…interesting this morning.

 **Ares731** : Oh? You mean besides the Daily prophet?

 **Athena1979** : I nearly had a heart attack when I saw that this morning…

 **Ares731** : Don't concern yourself over it, I'll have my people…take care of it.

 **Athena1979** : Oh God, Don't tell me that. I don't want to know!

 **Ares731** : Have you forgotten who you've decided to become involved with?

 **Ares731** : - The Dark Lord

 **Ares731** : Just in case you forgot.

 **Athen1979** : You're still an ass.

 **Ares731:** Butt plug…

 **Athena1979** : Alright! I'm shutting up. I have to go anyway, I have to shower and take care of a few things before next weekend.

 **Ares731:** Don't forget the panties.

 **Athena1979** : Yes, I'll bring the damn fruit roll up. Come to me later?

 **Ares731** : Of course, my goddess.

Hermione logged out of the chat session, and snickered to herself as she thought of how to get back at Tom for his creative… _gift_. With all of the local Wizarding businesses taking advantage of the Wizarding World Web, it was no surprise that before long, shops like Zonkos, Honeydukes, and Flourish and Blotts were taking orders online. Ollivander's was another such shop, only she almost choked when one afternoon Harry showed her the addition he had made to his website; in addition to selling wands, he expanded his inventory to include ahem… _personal_ _wands_ …and other assorted kink. Her brain immediately conjured a mental picture of the wrinkled old man holding a large pink dildo

 

_Curious…very curious. Pink, 10 and ¾ inches, with a vibrating core. Flexible. I remember every cock I've ever sold, Miss Granger…_

 

Fuck.

She tried to scrub the image from her mind, but knew that in this case, she would need to go to his website to find what she was looking for.

Tom would never in a million years see this coming, but she had a feeling he'd enjoy it.

She clicked open the website, and her eyes zoomed in to the small "18+" icon on the bottom right hand corner of the screen. She was still chuffed at Harry for telling her about its existence, and now she couldn't un-see it.

Once she clicked on the icon, the screen melted away to another that had a moving wizarding photo of a nude wizard and witch in a compromising position. Hermione averted her eyes uncomfortably, and quickly hit the mute button to silence the moans that were coming from her laptop speakers. She read over the links on the left hand side of the page, her eyes skimming over them until she found what she was looking for:

"Personal wands, Binding charms, lingerie, Custom wand kits…ah there it is." Hermione said as she clicked the link to custom wand kits. She had heard of this before, but it wasn't something she ever would have considered…until now that is.

 

_Custom wand kits: Our custom kits come with everything you need to create a replica of your lover's wand. The end product results in a lifelike representation, complete with ability to orgasm*_

 

Hermione's eyes widened a bit at that, and noticed the asterisk as the end, and read the fine print

 

_*note, orgasm will not result in actual pregnancy_

 

Oh, well that was re-assuring.

She clicked on the kit, and added it to her cart, then, just for the hell of it, clicked on the lingerie section. She had recently bought the black and Green matching bra and panty set that Tom really seemed to enjoy, but she figured it wouldn't hurt to buy a bit more. When she clicked the link, she noticed that there were now two categories to choose from: Lingerie for Wizards, and for Witches. Out of sheer curiosity, she clicked on the Lingerie for wizard's, and she burst out laughing when the images popped up on her screen.

Mostly, they were speedos and men's thongs of various patterns and colors, but there was one, that she just had to buy. If nothing she had done had earned her an _Avada_ yet, this surely would. But, it would be so worth it to see the look on his face. She clicked "add to cart" and then picked out a few negligées for herself before she clicked on "check out". A pop up window opened, asking if she wanted to be a part of the customer rewards program.

"Why not." She clicked on the check box, and completed the checkout process, with the guarantee that her package would be delivered the next day. Once again, she snickered and closed her laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *snort*. Sorry, I had to.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe you guys are still reading this train wreck. xo

The next day, when a hot pink box arrived with Hermione's name on it during breakfast, Harry raised an eyebrow at her, but decided not to comment. She blushed fiercely when she saw that it was from Ollivander's, and made up a lame excuse.

"Ginny swears by his bath products. I figured why not, right?" Hermione said with a nervous chuckle before taking it and dashing up the stairs. Better for him to think she bought herself a dildo than sex toys she was planning to use with the Dark Lord.

Once she was certain her door was warded, she opened the box, and picked up the pouch containing the custom wand kit, and pulled out the instruction card.

 

_Congratulations on purchasing one of our Custom Wand Kits! This kit will allow you to create a life-like replica of your lover's wand so that even if he's going, you'll surely be coming!_

 

Hermione snorted and kept reading.

 

_Simply follow the below instructions in three easy steps: 1.) Make sure your lover is aroused_

 

Hermione glanced down at the crotchless panties Tom had sent her; that would surely not be a problem.

 

_2.) Spread the silicone molding gel over your lover's erect cock, and allow to dry._

 

Voldemort was definitely going to kill her.

 

_3.) Remove the mold and pour in the supplied Bio-gel (patent pending!) and say the incantation,_ _ Phallus Vivere _ _, while making a stroking motion with one hand over your wand._

 

Hermione's eyebrows rose at that. Seemed a bit gratuitous, but who was she to judge?

She set aside the wand kit, and snorted when she picked up the last minute item she had decided to buy for him in the men's lingerie shop. It would be well worth a _crucio_ to see the look on his face…

Putting the package aside, she flopped down onto the bed and picked up her laptop. She had two new messages; one was from Tom, the other from some random bloke named Scabior. She wrinkled her nose thinking that it sounded rather like an unfortunate STD, but clicked on the message anyway:

 

_Ello Beautiful,_

_I have big appetite and an even bigger cock. Though I am currently between living spaces, I'd happily crash on your couch as fair trade for my services. I'm sure we could work something out *wink wink*_

_Did I mention my favorite thing to eat is Pussy? No? Well now you know._

_~Scabior_

 

Hermione's mouth gaped at that one. Had he just offered to eat her out in exchange for rent?! That was a new one. She had to give him credit for originality. He didn't have a profile picture, but for some reason she envisioned him wearing lots of plaid haphazardly held together by safety pins.

Next she opened Tom's message:

 

_Hermione,_

_I took care of that little problem. Don't look at the Daily Prophet tomorrow._

_~Tom_

_P.S., You might want to make a new batch of Polyjuice potion_.

 

She stared at his message and blinked. She then berated herself because her first thought was annoyance at having to find a new muggle, rather than being horrified that the poor woman was likely in a ditch somewhere.

She breathed in deeply through her nose and out through her nose before she hit reply:

 

_Tom,_

_I really don't want to know. I'm looking forward to this weekend…_

_~H_

 

Before she could log out, a chat window popped up and her eyebrows rose when she saw who it was

 **Luvrboy69** : Granger

 **Athena1979** : Malfoy

 **Luvrboy69** : I don't suppose you would be willing to forget about that message I sent you…?

 **Athena1979** : Oh, you mean the one where you asked if I'd fancy being fucked in a library?

 **Luvrboy69** : Uh…that's the one.

 **Athena1979** : Not a chance.

 **Luvrboy69** : Fuck.

 **Athena1979** : Not in this lifetime! By the way, Harry and Ron enjoyed the photo.

 **Luvrboy69** : Bloody hell, you showed scar head and Weaselbee?

 **Athena1979** : Damn right I did, ferret.

 **Luvrboy69** : Ouch. You're not still sore over the mudblood thing, are you?

 **Athena1979** : One black eye or two, Malfoy, you decide.

 **Luvrboy69** : Gryffindors. Bloody violent, the lot of you.

 **Athena1979** : Goodbye, Malfoy. Oh, by the way, tell your dad I'm most emphatically – _not-_ interested in his python.

She closed the chat window before he could reply, with a huff. What a douchebag. She ran through her mental list of all of the things she had to do before her weekend away with Tom, and now it seemed that she had to hunt for a new muggle for her disguise as well. A devious smile split her face as she saw that Tom had just come online, and she opened a chat window.

 **Athena1979** : Real quick, I just need to know…Blond or Brunette?

 **Ares731** : What?

 **Athena1979** : Do you prefer Blonds or Brunettes?

 **Ares731** : You are a brunette, are you not?

 **Athena1979** : well yes, _of course_ I am…I just meant that if you weren't sleeping with me, would you prefer a blond or a brunette?

 **Ares731** : I hadn't really thought about it.

 **Athena1979** : alright, well would you describe yourself to be more of a breast man, or an ass man?

 **Ares731** : Is there some particular reason you are asking me this?

Hermione chuckled; she could imagine his raised eyebrow without even seeing his face.

 **Athena1979** : Yes…Just answer the questions please.

 **Ares731** : Well, aside from the fact that I'm clearly only sleeping with _you_ , and you are a brunette with adequate sized breasts, I suppose I wouldn't be averse to slightly larger breasts. Are you considering a breast enlargement spell?

 **Athena1979** : You'll see this weekend. Do you find blonds attractive?

 **Ares731** : Assuming you're not talking about Malfoy, then yes.

 **Athena1979** : Good. Okay then.

 **Ares731** : What _the fuck_ are you up to?

 **Athena1979** : you'll find out this weekend.

 **Ares731** : You're not kidnapping someone for a threesome, are you? If so, I'm already hard.

Hermione's mouth dropped open.

 **Athena1979** : Uh…that's not quite what I had in mind.

 **Ares731** : Oh. Another time then, perhaps.

 **Athena1979** : …

 **Ares731:** Or _not_.

 **Athena1979** : So where am I meeting you this weekend?

 **Ares731** : I'll send you a portkey. Tell Potter that your muggle Grandmother has just passed away, and you must attend her funeral.

 **Athena1979** : Tom…You didn't _kill_ my grandmother so you could have sex with me, did you?!

 **Ares731** : …I might have done.

Hermione gaped at the screen. Voldemort just offed her grandma for a blow job.

 **Athena1979** : Are you trying to tell me that you _murdered_ an innocent old lady, so that you could get in my pants?

 **Ares731** : _Allegedly_. Are you mad?

 **Athena1979** : Seriously, Tom?

 **Ares731** : I'll take that as a yes.

 **Athena1979** : You murdered my _grandmother_.

 **Ares731** : It was a mercy killing, really.

 **Athena1979** : She was eighty-seven years old.

 **Ares731** : Exactly. It was her time, love.

 **Athena1979** : That's not for you to decide!

 **Ares731** : Oh come on, you can't tell me that you actually harbored any affection for that vile woman.

 **Athena1979** : Ok, I'll admit my grandmother was difficult at the best of times…

 **Ares731** : That's putting it mildly.

 **Athena1979** : Fine, she was a Troll, Happy? My dad stuck her in a home at the earliest opportunity and washed his hands of her.

 **Ares731** : Well, If it makes you feel better, when I told her that I as your boyfriend, she seemed surprised and said "She must be a slut like her mother to have landed herself such a handsome man"

 **Athena1979** : Good riddance, Grandma.

 **Ares731** : Your welcome. Now, I do believe you have a "funeral" to attend.

 **Athena1979** : I thought we were going to Greece?

 **Ares731** : We are, hence the quotation marks.

 **Athena1979** : But if she's dead, what about the funeral?

 **Ares731** : I told Pettigrew to take care of it. I'm sure Nagini will appreciate the snack.

 **Athena1979** : Efficient. Works for me!

 **Ares731** : See you this weekend ;)

Hermione shook her head as she closed the laptop. She was going to have to start coming up with some plausible excuses for her weekends away, because she was quickly running out of relatives.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but I promise I haven't abandoned you! I just needed a break. In any case, Instead of rotating my updates in some semblance of order, I've decided to just work on whatever I feel motivated to work on...it's hard to get in one headspace for one chapter, and then try to switch gears for something else...not to mention, that even though it seems that there has been radio silence from me, I have in fact been working on TWO new Tomione fics. I am not ready to post them just yet, because I feel like I have so many WIP ones at the moment, but these have just been what I've been motivated to work on lately. I have 5 1/2 chapters of one of them already written, and 8 of the other already written (see? I've been writing! You just didn't know it!). In anycase, I'm going to see what I can get through for my WIP fics (Accidents, Closer, Magical Match, Elixir, Stiff Competition, Mirror Mirror, and the Phoenix) before I post any of the new stuff...So, you may get several chapters of one fic at a time rather than rotational updates...I hope that is ok, but I think that is what I need to do. I hope I haven't lost any of you!. 
> 
> Also - I snorted a lot when writing the outline of this story to completion...it's crack at it's finest. As always, leave me a review! xoxo

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Harry asked gently as he squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

Hermione wiped a tear from her eye, and sniffed dramatically, hoping that Harry hadn't noticed the pungent smell wafting off of her.

"No, no…I'll be fine. I need to do this on my own." She said with a sigh, giving him a watery smile.

Harry nodded, giving her a grim smile before he furrowed his brow, clearly wanting to say something more.

_Crap, he must have noticed._

"Hermione, have you been chopping onions?"

She chuckled, and sniffed again, quickly trying to think up an excuse.

"Yeah, um…I suddenly had a craving for stir-fry." She answered quickly, and felt her cheeks flushing red from guilt. She figured if she chopped some onions, it would irritate her eyes enough to look as if she'd been recently crying.

Harry snorted, "You know it's only nine in the morning, right? Wait…you're not… _pregnant_ , are you?" he asked, his eyes suddenly widening in alarm.

Hermione scoffed, doing her best to look completely offended by his assumption, "NO! Of course not…can't a girl have a little stir-fry in the morning without being accused of being knocked-up? What the hell, Harry?"

Harry blushed looking contrite, and muttered an apology, "You're right, I'm sorry. You're sure you're alright though?" he asked again.

"Yes, it's just…she was such an amazing woman, you know? So kind and loving…" Hermione trailed off hoping that her gag could be mistaken for a sob.

"Well, I'm here if you need me. Take all the time you need." Harry said giving her another awkward pat, and sad smile before he left her standing in living room alone. She made her way upstairs quickly to pack, shoving all the new lingerie she bought, along with the custom wand kit and Tom's "gift" of crotch-less panties into an overnight bag. She sighed in relief as she looked in the bag. Thank God wizards had portkeys; she couldn't imagine how humiliating it would be to have to go through muggle airport security with that!

Once everything was ready, she hid the portkey that Voldemort had sent her (a string of anal beads? _Really!?_ ), along with her new vial of polyjuice potion in her small beaded bag that she slipped onto her wrist before grabbing her overnight bag and heading down stairs. Harry insisted on accompanying her to King's Cross, despite her protestations, but in the end, she agreed thinking it would rouse less suspicion.

When they arrived at the station, he hugged her once more, giving her a small sad smile, and Hermione felt a twinge of guilt.

After a stretch of awkward silence, Harry made to scratch behind his neck, and looked down at his shoes, before he suddenly blurted, "Hermione, I just wanted to say, that it's alright if you don't fancy blokes. I'm not judging you."

_What?!_

At the look of shock on Hermione's face, he quickly held up his hands and stumbled over his words trying to explain, "You see, I've been thinking…it really wasn't fair of me to push you into making a dating profile, when I hadn't even stopped to consider that maybe you don't even like blokes…"

Too stunned to open her mouth, he continued to ramble

"…The signs were there, I guess I just refused to see it…anyway, I'm really sorry, Hermione, and I just hope you know that no matter what, you'll always be my best friend."

"Oh honestly, Harry, I'm not _gay_." She finally managed to say, as her expression warred between amusement and outrage.

"You're not? _Oh_." Harry muttered sheepishly.

"Well, now that that's cleared up, I have a train to catch." She said giving him an awkward half-smile and turned on her heel as she strode down the platform away from him.

Once she was out of sight, she ducked into a rather unsavory looking public toilet and locked the stall door. Thankfully, there was no one else in there, and she quickly swallowed the contents of the polyjuice, and stripped out of her demure black sheath dress and flats and replacing them with a matching set of silver lace bra and panties and a slinky forest green wrap dress that left little to the imagination, and a pair of black heels. Her breasts were now easily a D cup, whereas she was normally a solid B. Stepping out of the stall, she straightened her dress, and stood in front pf the grimy mirror, making a mental note to buy a shitload of purell, and gazed up at her new reflection. Her light blue eyes were a stark contrast from her usual brown, but the most shocking was the platinum blond hair that fell in soft waves over her shoulder. If she hadn't known better, she would almost swear it was Narcissa Malfoy looking back at her, except that her expression was much softer than that of the Malfoy matron; not to mention she didn't have that perpetual look of distaste on her face as if she had just smelled something foul…though truth be told, standing in this bathroom, she supposed it wouldn't be that much of a stretch.

Squaring her shoulders, she pulled out her wand and warded the door to repel any muggles who may have decided that this would be an adequate place to do their business, and she pulled out the string of anal beads. He didn't expect her to actually _insert_ them, did he?

Before she could find out, the anal beads flared to life in her hand, and she was thrown up in the air while screaming bloody murder until the world came back into focus and she plunged back towards the ground, or in this case the fancy sheepskin rug. She landed in an ungraceful heap, with her ass in the air.

"Well, what have we here?" Voldemort's silky voice floated up from somewhere behind her.

She quickly stood, turning to face him, and arched a finely plucked brow in his direction, deciding that a little payback was in order. She had to bite back a smirk, and lowered her voice to make it sound more breathy.

"How did I get here? The last thing I remember is finding these beads in the loo…" she stammered convincingly, injecting just the right amount of concern into her expression.

The look on Voldemort's face was priceless. She sincerely wished she had a camera.

"Wait…you _found_ those in the loo?" he asked his eyebrows practically hitting his hairline.

She nodded, biting her lip enticingly, "Yes…I was on my way out of town when I stopped to use the restroom…I thought they looked peculiar just lying there on the sink."

He pinched the bridge of his nose trying to ward off the headache that was threatening to form when he sighed, "I'm not even going to address how unhygienic it is that you touched a mysterious and possibly _used_ pair of anal beads that were left behind in a public loo…"

Hermione had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

"…I'm far more concerned with the fact that you aren't supposed to be here." He said as he pulled out his bone white wand and took a step in her direction.

"Wait!" she supplied desperately, falling on her knees in front of him and biting her lip again.

He stopped, and looked down at her curiously, as she snaked her hand up the front of his trousers towards his belt-buckle.

"Perhaps…perhaps we could work something out?" she whispered seductively, feeling victorious when she felt him harden beneath her palm.

His eyes darted around quickly, and he swallowed thickly, "Uh…I don't think…"

"What's the matter, afraid your girlfriend will find out?" she whispered, arching her eyebrow at him in challenge as she continued to palm his erection through his pants.

After a moment, to Hermione's surprise and relief, he stepped out of her reach and raised his wand once more.

"Wait! It's me, Hermione! I was just kidding!" She said between her laughter. He was probably ready to cruciate her, or obliviate her for that little stunt…probably both.

"Hermione?! For a moment I thought a muggle got ahold of your portkey…" he said in relief as he raked his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, nice _anal beads_ by the way." She snorted and tossed them at him.

He caught them effortlessly, and raised an eyebrow at her, "Oh? Maybe you'd like to find out just how… _nice_ …they are?"

_Shit._

"Another time perhaps?" she offered and remembered what she had bought at Ollivanders, "Besides, I have something much more… _stimulating_ in mind."

At this, a smirk formed on his lips as he took in her appearance.

"You've changed your hair." He said knowingly, making it a point to avoid looking at her generous cleavage

"Yes… _among other things_." She said bouncing on the balls of her feet causing her whole chest to jiggle. Merlin that felt strange!

"So what did you have in mind then?" he asked seductively as he stepped closer to her and grazed his hand over her hip.

She bit her lip again and pulled out a rather large box from her tiny beaded bag, and handed it to him.

"Ollivander's Custom wand kit" he read aloud, "Need cock but your lover is out of town? Never fear, your wand kit is here!"

Hermione guffawed at the look of horror on his face.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked handing the box back to her.

Once she was able to speak without laughing, "I'm going to make a vibrator that is a replica of your cock."

His eyes widened as a slow smirk formed. The idea that even when they weren't together she would still be pleasuring herself with only his cock was tempting.

"What do I have to do?" He asked grabbing the box back out of her hands and turning it over looking for the instructions.

"Well, you just let me worry about that. All I need you to do is stay hard…" she smirked and dropped back to her knees in front of him with a naughty smirk.

"I'm quite sure that won't be a problem…"

**oOo0oOo**

"If you really want me to wear that, then you are going to have to wear these." She huffed, shoving a small parcel towards him.

He furrowed his brow in confusion as he picked up the small box, opening it with trepidation. His eyebrows shot up and he snorted as he lifted the skimpy fabric from the box with his pinky.

"I'm not wearing these."

"You're the heir of Slytherin, aren't you? It's only fitting." She pouted

"It's a snake thong. It makes my cock look like a _snake,_ Hermione."

"Technically, it's a Basilik." She corrected, biting her lip as she noticed his eye twitching.

"No."

"Fine, then I'm not wearing the fruit roll-up." She said in a sing-song voice

After tense glaring match, she finally relented.

"Fine, but no anal beads."

"Done." He smirked triumphantly.

**oOo0oOo**

Greece was everything she had imagined it would be; warm, with the cool scent of citrus floating on the breeze from the many lemon trees, to the turquoise water. For most of the weekend, they stayed hidden away in the bedroom getting their fill of each other until one night he actually decided to take her out to dinner. He insisted of course that she go in her polyjuiced form, while he used a glamour to make a few subtle changes to his appearance. As much as she loved spending time with him, she lamented that they would never be able to just be together in public.

After dinner, they walked along the beach together and he threaded his fingers through hers.

"Penny for you thoughts?"

She chuckled, "Being a legillimens I figured you wouldn't bother to ask."

"Well, I didn't want to be rude."

She squeezed his hand, and decided to be honest with him.

"Do you think it'll always have to be like this?" she asked looking up at him from beneath her lashes.

From her grim expression, he could tell that she meant keeping things secret.

"I don't see how we can be together any other way, but I do know I'm not going to let you go so easily." He sighed and stopped, lifting her chin with his fingers so she would look at him.

She smiled, "I don't want you to." She said pulling him down for kiss.

As the kiss began to heat up, he smirked and pulled back from her, "What do you say we take this back to the villa…I have an idea how to make your new vibrator even more _stimulating_ …"

"Oh? How so?" she asked between kisses.

"I developed a spell that will allow me to feel it whenever you use it."

She liked the sound of that.

"Lead the way…" she smirked and followed along behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup…there's more. I'm sorry. LOL!

 

Hermione had to remind herself several times before she opened the door to Grimmauld place that she was supposed to be in _mourning_. The ridiculous smile that she couldn't seem to wipe off her face though, could prove to be problematic, considering the circumstances.

Instead of the warm welcome and heartfelt condolences she had been expecting when she walked in, the sight that greeted her was a livid Harry Potter and an equally horrified Ginny Weasley holding up the front page of the daily prophet, with the headline, ' _ **Hermione Granger's Romantic Rendezvous**_ "

 _Fuck_ …

"I can explain…" Hermione began, making a mental note to squish every bloody beetle that dared to cross her path from this day forward.

"Oh really? Care to explain why you were on Holiday with _Lord Voldemort_ in Greece instead of attending your grandmother's funeral? Or was that a lie as well?"

"No, Gran really is dead." She sighed in defeat.

Ginny gaped at her.

"How could you? _YOU_ of all people! Have you forgotten what he thinks of Muggleborns? What he's done? What the _Bloody hell_ , Hermione?" Harry cried, "And to think I felt sorry for you! Have you been spying on me this whole time? Working for _him_?"

Hermione rolled her eyes at Harry's dramatics. She could understand, and even appreciate that they were shocked by the news. It wasn't as if she had planned to fall for the Dark Lord, it had just _happened_.

"Of course not, Harry! Not everything is about you! Did it ever occur to you that maybe he just needed someone to love him?" Hermione shot back indignantly.

It was Harry's turn to gape.

"He's not a puppy, Hermione, he's a psychopath!"

"He's your family, Harry! Maybe if he knew-"

"Don't talk to me about family! He killed my family!" Harry shot back, getting more and more outraged by the second.

Ginny stepped forward, standing between them like a referee when she noticed the blue magical sparks crackling at the tips of Hermione's hair, "I think we should all sit down and discuss this like adults!"

Harry scoffed, "I'll not have his _whore_ staying here."

Hermione reeled back as if he'd slapped her. So that was it then. All those years of friendship, down the drain…it was over.

"Fine. I'll just get my things, and I'm gone." She said coldly, trying desperately to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

As she stormed past him up the stairs to get her things, the more upset she became. All of this, was _his fault_. If he hadn't pushed her to make that stupid dating profile, none of this would ever have happened. Granted, she wouldn't have made the connection she now had with Tom, but she had thought their friendship had meant more to him than that.

Thanks to Rita Skeeter, everyone in Britain now likely thought her a traitor, so her options were extremely limited on where she could go…She certainly wouldn't be welcome at the burrow.

She ducked into the Starbucks on Lambeth, hoping to avoid wizards and witches altogether, and settled into an armchair near the back of the café and pulled out her laptop. With a discreet tap of her wand, she converted the free wifi to wizarding wireless, and logged into Magical Match.

 

_Tom,_

_If you've seen the prophet this morning, which I have no doubt by now that you have, we've been outted. I'm currently homeless, squatting in the Starbucks on Lambeth. Help._

_~Hermione_

 

A few minutes later, she looked up as the bell chimed on the door, and was shocked to see none other than Draco Malfoy standing in the doorway sniffing the air like a crazy person.

"You lost, Ferret?" Hermione asked from her seat in the armchair, raising an eyebrow at him in challenge.

"Considering I'm here to pick you up, you could be a little bit _less_ of a bitch." Draco sniffed again.

Hermione scoffed, "Did Tom…er… _The Dark Lord_ send you?" she asked curiously, thinking that had to be the case. _Why do things yourself when you have minions?_

When she couldn't get past his incessant sniffing, and asked "Are you having a problem with your sinuses? What's wrong with you?"

"What is that _smell_? It's both revolting and enticing all at the same time." He said, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

She snorted, "You've never had coffee? Seriously?"

He sniffed haughtily, looking down his aquiline nose at her, "No, _Malfoys_ drink _tea_."

Hermione chuckled, "Well, today, you're drinking coffee", she said as she threaded her arm through his and dragged him up to where the Barista stood waiting to take their order.

**ooOo0oOoo**

When they arrived at Malfoy Manor, she clung to Draco's side like a grindylow as he led her past dozens of Death Eaters, who at one time or another, had tried to kill her. For all intents and purposes, they still looked like they wanted to, if the opportunity presented itself. She made a mental note to speak with Tom about that, the last thing she needed was to have one of them try to murder her in her sleep.

Draco stopped just outside of an ornate set of double doors, and turned to face her.

"He's in there. Good luck, Mudblood." He said, making it sound more like a term of endearment than a racial slur.

She rolled her eyes, and turned to face the door, but before she could raise her hand to knock, a voice that sent a chill down her spine came from behind her.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the ickle Mudblood. I think it's time we have a little chat; _girl to girl._ "

 _Bellatrix_.

Hermione spun around, and immediately wished that she hadn't. Bellatrix was _naked_. Apparently Tom hadn't been lying about that.

"I'd rather not." Hermione said as politely as she could, not wanting to set her off when Tom was just on the other side of the door.

"I wasn't _asking_ , Mudblood. Do you really think that the Dark Lard would be interested in someone like _you_?" she asked, her jealousy rolling off of her in palpable waves.

It was only a moment later when The Dark Lord opened the door to his rooms to find his pathetically loyal and once again naked, Death Eater engaged in a slap fight with his girlfriend.

He'd have been lying if he said that the sight of Hermione, sitting astride Bella's naked torso as she held a chunk of her curly black hair tight in her fist while slapping her silly wasn't a turn on. _His dick was already hard…_

"Hermione, come with me. We have much to discuss; Bella…for the love of Salazar, put some clothes on!" He barked, leveling a glare at the naked witch still sprawled on the ground.

Hermione's eyes widened as she took in the sight of him. Harry had told her once how grotesque Lord Voldemort was to behold, with pasty white skin, red demonic eyes, and slits where his nose should be; she should have been terrified, not wondering how that snake like tongue would feel between her thighs.

_Something was definitely wrong with her._

She followed him obediently into his rooms, and smirked nastily at Bella as she closed the door behind them, feeling a petty sense of victory at the look of loathing the other witch had shot her.

Before she knew what was happening, Tom lifted her up, holding her pinned against the door with his body so that she could feel his arousal. He pulled his wand to remove the glamour he had been wearing when Hermione covered the hand wrapped around his wand with hers, whispering seductively,

"Leave it on…"

He arched a non-existant eyebrow at her kinky suggestion and chuckled darkly before capturing her lips with his. She moaned into his mouth when she felt his long fingered hand palm her breast through her robes, and she rocked her hips into his. His lips broke away from hers to leave a trail of kisses down the column of her throat, and her eyes slipped closed as her lust for him overtook her.

"Say something in Parseltongue…" she pleaded, biting her bottom lip with need as her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his black silk robe.

He let out a long hiss, with a series of reptilian sounding noises, and she actually _moaned_.

"What did you just say?" she asked breathily, finally managing to expose the pale expanse of his chest as she pushed the black robe off of his shoulders.

"That I can't wait to taste you on my tongue"

 _Oh God_ …

The thought of his snake like tongue flicking at her clit until she came made her practically convulse with need.

"Take me to bed, _My Lord_ " she whispered breathily as she nipped his collarbone with her teeth.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, as he carried her to his ornately carved bed, dropping her down unceremoniously in the sheets as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of her jeans and pulled them down over her hips along with her already embarrassingly damp knickers.

She moaned softly and sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, rocking her hips against his mouth as he flicked his forked tongue against her clit. The combination of his steady rhythm and his occasional low hiss that vibrated deep into her core sent her over the edge quickly, and she grasped the sheets as she arched up of the bed with his name falling from her lips. Before she had even come back down from the high, he flipped her over and slammed his cock into her, grasping a fistful of her wild curls in his long fingers. Her body was still contracting around him from her first orgasm, so it didn't take long for him to come hard inside of her, sending her into orgasm number two.

He collapsed beside her on the bed with a smug smile, as his glamour faded away revealing the handsome man beneath, and she sighed contentedly.

"Now that the cat's out of the bag, you'll be staying with me."

"You…you want me to _move in_ with you?" she asked, feeling her stomach do a little flip.

"Well, it wouldn't do for the Dark Lady to be living in a Starbucks, now, would it."

Feeling overcome with emotion, she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck, peppering him with kisses, as a tear slid down her cheek.

"He threw me out. Just like that, as if our friendship meant nothing at all to him. _He called me a whore_."

Tom's eyes darkened at her words, "As if I already didn't have enough reasons to hate Potter, now I have one more."

**Author's Note:**

> This was a funny idea that came to me that I just had to get out - I'll apologize in advance…LOL. Warning, LOTS of smut. This was supposed to be a two part story, but now it's going to be more...


End file.
